Love the Impossible

Chapter 14 - Octavian's P.O.V.

I stole a 'I Heart NY' shirt so I could get out of the Camp Half Blood one. I washed up in the bathroom. I'm paler than I remember. A little sulkier. It's that hug, that hug between her and him. That's what drove me out of the cave. She was on his side, I could tell. She agreed with him. She didn't want me here. I can't blame her. I've only made her cry. Oh... The sight of her crying was heart breaking.

That's what I am right now. Heart broken. The pout on my face would hint at me being just another whiny entitled teenager. But I'm not. The pout on my face may hint at whininess but the look in my eyes... Well that spells heart break. I loved Rachel. I... I think I love Rachel. I'm jealous when another guy hugs her. I hate the sound of her crying, but the sound of her laugh? Well I wish I could remember that instead of her tears. The tears might be the real reason I'm leaving. I don't want to make her cry again. I don't want to hurt her.

If I stayed I could only hurt her.

I hitch hike with complete strangers. I've got a rolled up blanket and a stolen knife in my back pack. It was the knife she threw at the hell hounds the first night. That wasn't long ago. I can't believe how short of a time I actually spent with Rachel. Was it even two days? And yet, I fell madly in love with her. I don't know how Rachel smells so I'm not sure if her blanket smells like her, but its not half as warm or comforting as she is. I feel really guilty from even taking those two things from her. Maybe when I'm in Alaska I'll send them back, with a postcard apology and love confession. When I get to Alaska I'm going to write her a letter and tell her I love her. She never has to see me again yet I feel she deserves to know.

When I sleep, I dream of Rachel. At first it starts out okay. She's standing in Jupiter's temple at Camp Jupiter. Then she starts crying, over what I'm unsure. But it gets worse, because as she cries, she begins changing, until she is nothing more than a little stuffed doll with red yarn hair, like Raggedy Ann except with Rachel's pretty features. The dream got worse and worse though. I saw myself picking up the Rachel doll, and gutting it with her knife. And the stuffing read,

"You killed her. She will never love you"

And then I woke up. We were over the state boarder. Soon they kicked me out of the car and I walked awhile. I was hungry but didn't do anything about it. No money for McDonald's, no one around to pick pocket or convince to give me money. As I walked Alaska seemed a bit more impossible with each step. How would I get there? I didn't have a passport to get over the boarder to Canada. And I wasn't going to get anywhere walking. I sighed and sat down on the side of the road, putting my hands in my head, remembering my dream.

"You killed her. She will never love you"

I couldn't decide which words hurt more. I didn't really need to decide. That's why I left. So I wouldn't end up killing her. I ruin everything I touch. I guess when I left I was scared that if I got too close to Rachel, I'd ruin her too. She was the only girl I'd ever liked, the only girl I'd ever loved. I didn't want to hurt her, which is why my dream hurt so much.

I watched cars speed by, making no effort to try to hitch hike with one of them. I needed a new plan, but first I needed to convince myself that I was doing the right thing. It hurt to have left Rachel, but if it protected her from the monster I was inside and out then I would go to the ends of the earth if I had to. I tried to convince myself that I would be fine only seeing her in the nightmares I was sure would haunt me from this day on.

I almost threw up when my brain suggested that I didn't need her. My brain had never been more wrong and my heart was quickly there to punch it and say are you stupid of course you need her she just doesn't need you. So you'll try and live without her. And if you die fine as long as she doesn't any time soon. That's basically my priority. Pray to all the gods above, Greek, Roman, whatever else there is, that Rachel stays safe, and happy. I hope that she's always happy.

I hope that she laughs, and smiles, and does that cute thing where she brushes her hair out of her face. I hope that she enjoys her life. As long as she's enjoying her life, my life wherever I end up will be fine. I'll send a letter when I get to wherever. If I make it to Alaska good for me, but I doubt I will. I'm okay with that. I'm not excited for a new life, but I'm hopeful for a better one, not for me, but for her.

I just hope that Rachel will have a better life. With no reason to cry like that ever again.