poetic mistakes

I'm thinking of rope

She sat me down

we talked like adults

she told me something that I should have known

the signs were there

but ignorance was bliss

she just doesn’t feel the way I do

she doesn’t feel the way I do anymore

the ground fell out from beneath me

we organized and conversed responsibly

but I don’t remember it

remember any of it at all

because while we were talking I was falling

the ground beneath me simply gone

I looked back behind me, six years

vaporized, the time, the commitment, simply mist in the air

I’m 23, I’m fucking 23

I have been loving her since before I knew what love was

my eyes turned to hearts at 12

I was hoping against hope until we hit it off at 17

I changed for her, she put up with me

and here I am, and she has run out of rope

and here I am, and I am thinking of rope

I gave her every freedom I could

polyamory, secrecy, liberty

but she sat me down and said

“I just don’t love you, the way that you love me”

“and I don’t wanna pretend, I wanna be single”

I don’t know who I am without her, I don’t know what I am without her

I know I love her, and that I worry about her

I don’t blame her for how she feels

I wish I was irrational, angry, sexist

I wish I had something or someone to blame

it would give me somewhere to hide from my feelings

the overwhelming waves

the sensation of inadequacy

But I don’t, I did it. it was up to me, it is my fault

and so I am thinking of rope.
I gotta stop thinking of rope