Blowing

I Hated Them

I hated them.

I hated him first while being a kid, for the way he treated her in front of my eyes. Something always told me nothing was right.
I hated her for not letting me go, for not letting him go, for accept what's less. She didn't deserve it.
I hated her for saying I wasn't normal enough because I learned to read at the age of 4.
I hated him for treating me like a whim, after nine months, saying he couldn't love me anymore. I was bleeding deep inside and my heart was tore.
I hated her for annoying me and making me feel like I was worthless.
I hated him for promising love, then going on and cheated on me. I wished nothing but the worst for him.
I hated him because he spreaded lies after I gave my innocence away, as a gift.
I hated him for treating me as a best friend and making me feel little comparing to his ego. I loved him so much that until now it hurts me to listen his name.
I hated her for body shaming me in a way I never expected, blatantly defending herself under the pretext of a joke. I told her about the reason of her death. That's how much I rejoiced when her boyfriend told me she'd still be crying over my words.
I hated her for saying I'd crawl to guys, when she didn't even know what exactly she wanted. She was just sad and wanted everyone to feel that way.
I hated her for treating me as a bad friend, claiming I was never for her, when all I did was to stood up by her side with her baby coming.
I hated her for believing in her boyfriend's words more than in mine. She deserved to be cheated on.
I hated them for making me aside on our day, when we were supposed to be friends.
I hated him for setting a boundary to the love he claimed to have towards me.
I hated him for believing I had insulted a woman, when all I did was to praise any women who could cope with his shit.
I hated him for ignoring me when I never asked for a space.
I hated her for sleeping with him while being married and with two kids. A bad mother who got into his eyes.
But the person I hate the most is myself.
For holding grudges.
For blaming others.
For not realizing.
For being sensitive.
For feeling useless.
For not believing in me.
For wishing everyone to be dead.
For wishing everyone to get a bad life.
For having what I wished for and feeling happy about it.
For becoming a hidious person.
The person I hate the most has definitely been myself.
For not being able to let it go.
For being punched in the heart every time I remember them.
For not being happy enough.
For always waiting too much.
For always feeling so down
For not being able to be independent.
For not having the dream body I want.
For losing friends.
For this personality.
But the person I hate the most is myself.

And I'm trying to let the pain go. And if it doesn't go, I'll let myself go.