With All My Senses

list of amends

road /noun /

a series of events

or a course of action that will lead to a particular outcome

Several hours later, the same day. Eleonore's place.

In the late afternoon, I receive an official text message from the hospital claiming that my test results are in and I can pick them up tomorrow. I stare at the short text and the official logo. Mmm, how fancy. It's after 5 p.m. but I don't really care. I grab my bag, keys, jacket and storm out before the screen on my phone has a chance to go dark. I quickly run down the stairs, as if my life depended on it while somewhere in the back of my mind, a tiny voice argues that I could have probably just checked the results online. I throw the thought away and rush for the same bus that I rode the last time, not even checking the schedule just staring at the spot where the bus usually shows up - foot tapping angrily and arms crossed tightly. Willing the vehicle to come faster just by the power of my mind.

I knew that I was behaving irrationally, standing there and getting cold, while my nerves were on the edge. But having a goal seemed to charge my batteries and I just wanted to have the results in my hand — on paper, an envelope with my name and everything. It needed to be as official as it possibly could, I wanted it to be more real while everything around me these days seemed like just an unstable illusion.

My stare focuses on the end of the street, eyes hardly blinking as the bus finally rolls in after 15 minutes - while I wonder if my body parts could fall off from the cold, and the unbearable wind that seemed more like multiple slaps in the face than anything else. I rub my hands and slip into the open doors, finding a seat and gazing out the window. It was already dark outside and it wasn't even six. Yes, the glory of changing seasons. I moan quietly, imagining the real winter chill that would arrive before there even was a chance to blink. I feared the coming season, feeling the need to prepare for something much worse that was coming my way. This feeling haunted me more and more, making it difficult to run away from it and falling back into the numbness that seemed my only rescue at times.

* * *

Hello, I am here to pick the drug test results that I did here two days ago. The test was done for private usage and paid for directly.

The woman looks up meaningfully at the clock and then back at me, and I'm starting to realize that maybe rushing here like a speeding bullet without a second thought, wasn't the best tactic to go with.

Your full name and ID, please.

I tell her my name and slip her the little plastic card. The woman checks something on her computer. I notice her eyebrows pull together as she looks up at me, my irritated expression reflecting in her glasses and mimicking hers. I try to control it, in fear that she might not give me what I want if I start to behave like an ass - the way I always did eventually.

The information clearly stated that the results can be picked up tomorrow.

It also stated they are already in; a bit confusing if you ask me.

I say the words calmly, trying to hold back the sarcasm that was tickling the inside of my mouth.

Yes, perhaps. However, the patients don't usually rush into with such enthusiasm, as you, Miss Walton.