With All My Senses

a grounded feeling

Rising from the past, my shadow

is running in silence to meet me

~ Anna Akhmatova

Charlie's place. Present time.

The room is quiet and dark. The only source of any noise and light is the TV set on low volume. I don't have to look to my side to know that he is still sleeping. But then again, it's late, practically the middle of the night. I knew that I wouldn't get any rest at my flat, so I just stayed at his, feeling strangely comfortable here and at ease; which (let's face it) didn't happen too often to me. In the entire messed up life that I got to live, moments like these could be counted just with the fingers of one hand. My parents at one point. Cara, my old roommate, Phil of course, and the man I lost - and now him. Not a lot to build on depending on what's left of it all, but still probably more than I deserved.

I turn off the screen and look at him, the street lamps casting an orange glow on his tired face. Feeling my chest lift and fall, lungs needing more air as the worry flows all over me, leaking through the unstable cracks. May it not be anything serious, please. He's just tired, I try to rationalize with myself, knowing how unwise my mind was reacting. But still, it always paid off to be careful. So, after some hesitance, I bend down and lightly press my lips to his forehead, no longer feeling any temperature. It appears cool and a small sigh escapes my throat. This was a thing that my mother taught me to do when I was little, or maybe it was just a thing that I copied naturally, without a second thought.

I look at him and slip my fingers lightly through his hair. He seems better now, it must have been just the exhaustion; he works too hard because he is so passionate about what he does. I fix the blanket higher, so he doesn't get cold and sigh. Caring, kind, helpful. Loyal. All good qualities, and yet he's hanging out with me. My hand shifts closer to his, fingers gently entwining. I feel the warmth and calm sinking into my skin and deep under my cells. My stare falls to the ground and a shade of sadness breaks through the serenity. You can't fix them all, Charlie. Some of us are just meant to stay broken.

Without any warning, I feel my eyes start to sting, tears falling to the ground and sinking into the wooden boards. Tap, tap, tap. The repeated noise makes me snap out of the moment; I quickly shake my head, surprised by this little outburst. What was going on with me? As if I felt something coming, getting closer, lurking once again in the shadows. I let go of him and get up, dusting the dirt off my clothes that wasn't even there. I hear a door in the corridor open-up and turn around. It's Robert, apparently going to the bathroom; hair in a mess, wearing just a t-shirt on and stripy boxers. He notices me surprised as if he forgot I was even here and rubs his eyes. My lips lift into a smile.

What time is it?

Almost after three.

And you're still here?

Was I making too much noise with my messy thoughts, or was it the TV that won that battle?

He stares at me for a moment, his mind not completely awake.

What? No, just needed to use the... I mean, drink a glass of water.

Of course, don't mind me, I'm just heading out.

You were watching after him all that time, weren't you?

I was being comfortable on a big sofa with free TV and food - and yes, in the meantime watched if your brother didn't fall to the ground and hurt his good spirits and positive attitude. It would be a shame for the world.