With All My Senses

captured moments

agenda / noun

a plan of things to be done or problems to be addressed

I wake up the next morning and just lay flat on my bed, not finding enough energy in me to even move. The buzzing in my head is constant but not on a too high level. It's more like white noise, static. I lived so long with that static that it seemed an integral part of me now. If it only stayed on that level, I could pretend that nothing was wrong, that all of my decisions didn't lead me to the place that I was currently at. I stare numbly at the still dark ceiling trying not to move my eyes to the left, where an old wooden drawer stands - a piece of furniture way too big for this little space. But I don't have to look at it to see it, the images in my head never leaving me. I slowly inhale and exhale, calming my unsteady thoughts.

My denial didn't make me forget about everything that was happening in my life. It just let me organize my problems into storage spaces. Hundreds of tiny boxes filled with issues and bad memories, with my guilt. My problems were always with me, never really leaving my side - but I choose which box would be opened, its content no longer crushing me the way it did in the beginning. The visions of the state that I was last night floods my mind, hitting me with an almost too enthusiastic wave. My fingers curl up into fists. I had to let out the pain somehow, and because those moments were rare, they always exploded with force, dragging me under. I flex my muscles, feeling the tension in my shoulders. I fought with my pain. I fought it every step of the way, learning how to control it when it was necessary so I could survive.

I jump out of bed and head to the bathroom to take a shower. To wash away yesterday and many days before that. I stand under the hot water until it burns me, scrubbing my skin and the smell of the hospital. Then I put my head against the wall and let the water turn cold. Above its sounds, I hear the whisperers in my head. They aren't words, still just noise. I turn the water off and look up. I didn't hear them in a while. They seemed to be in hibernation because of Charlie, but I wasn't fooled, they could have returned at any moment if I wasn't careful enough. If like an alley cat I strayed too long from the human eye, from his touch. I had to face life again and I had mixed feelings about it. The subsided pain worked to my advantage; I could do so much more now and live an almost normal existence. I could function without it destroying me. But in order to do that, I had to crawl out of my cave and socialize sometimes - I flinch as the word dances around my head. I guess I ran out of practice; I swear I was normal once, well, somewhere in the area.

Out of the blue, a faint smile spreads on my lips as I get out of the shower and wrap myself in a towel, the cold filling the flat already reaching my body. I quickly head to my bedroom and put some clothes on; a pair of blue jeans, a t-shirt, and the over-sized black sweater. Well, the socializing part wasn't all that bad. I think as my thoughts wander off to Susan and how well she always treated me. She adored me. I laugh out by the absurdity of my childish thoughts and stop abruptly. Did I just laugh out? Me? Just because I could? Well, that was new. I sit on the bed and dry my hair with a towel. I shake my head and look around the room. Where was my phone? I suddenly think about the photos that I made and start to panic that I won't find my cell again or worse, that I somehow deleted them by accident. I never checked how they turned out, I just snapped one photo after another, trying to catch Morgan's profile from each angle that I could. What if they weren't even there? I start to overthink the situation and try to evaluate my sanity levels. Well, I seemed fine. Definitely better than I was last week, but still...

Alright, just focus. 

The damn thing didn't just evaporate into the thin air. It must be here somewhere. Think. My mind leads me to the events of last night. What did I do just before I walked into the bedroom? I grabbed my bag to check the date on the calendar, the cell phone was in my hand, the bag fell down, and... I stand up and walk into the living room, looking around and inspecting the place. I gaze at the stack of clothes and pillows on the ground. I bend down and stuff starts flying. And there, under everything lays my phone, the picture of innocence. Almost laughing at me, taunting my mind. I close my eyes for a second, then just pick it up. I needed to get out more because I was behaving crazier than usual. Hmm, as long as the phone doesn't start a conversation with me, I should be fine.