With All My Senses

pushing forward

me and you, we got more yesterday than anybody

we need some kind of tomorrow

Toni Morrison, Beloved

Few days pass as I'm trying to navigate this new strange life of mine in the best way that I can. Strange because even though so many things are crumbling in it and tearing me down to my last resources, I'm here. Struggling but managing to grab scraps of reality and simple mundane moments. Untying the knots of my past and making things better. Even if the scale isn't remarkable or breathtaking, it still lets me hope. Having faith that I can make some things right.

My stare falls pass the glass surface of the window and into the grey streets, arms crossed, mind analyzing the situation as November finally settles itself into the scenery. Considering matters that I still needed to take care of, and those that I wouldn't be able to change as time speeds ever so mercilessly. But it's hard because, in truth, I had no clue how much of it I still had. Weeks, days, hours? I quickly shake my head. No, there was still some time to spare. After a moment, I slowly stretch out the fingers, that have by now turned white from straining for too long. Fix what's damaged, make the scars smaller. Leave yourself a few breaths that won't hurt your lungs anymore. Make yourself deserve those calm breaths.

I inhale and watch my faded-out reflection in the dirty glass. A lot of things have changed since I began this painful journey, another exhausting chapter to my story, each darker than the one before. Yet, I was still here, moving slowly forward and finding some meaning to it all. Peculiar, I never believed I would get an opportunity like this. To smooth out the edges of my complicated and worn out existence, to extract something good out of my mistakes, and to even influence the lives of people I have only just met. For the longest time, I didn't think there was anything in me worth saving. With everything that I have done and the damage that I have caused not only to others but myself as well. Why would I deserve a chance to make something better for the person that I have become? And still, even I was able to fight for my redemption. Letting others know that this heart was still working, the dark, thick paint not covering it entirely; bits of light and good still shimmering in the right light. Well, if anyone was still willing to have a look. 

And surprisingly, some actually were.

This week ran rather fast, images and people pretty much blurring into one, not much sticking. But a smile slowly creeps on my lips as I remember the day of our little picnic with Charlie, and then the conversation with Morgan. That was a moment that stood out, leaving delicate bursts of colors in my tired core. And it would always stay with me, no matter what happened next. However, the days that came after- my head shakes again - I could not put them in any logical order even if I wanted to. I think the only reason why I noticed it was Halloween the next day was because of the extra tips at the bar. Handed me by a lot of drunken witches, sluty nurses, and Taylor Swift lookalikes - though I'm not sure if the last one was intentional. Mmm, that, plus men that didn't even need costumes to take over the role of over-eager casanovas and daredevils. A date like any other, just with more makeup and glitter everywhere, and even fewer clothes to be found seen.

I gaze again through the window, taking my time and watching the people below busy with their mundane lives and their rushed ways. One more breath and I turn around swiftly, grabbing the keys from the kitchen counter, stepping out of the flat, and running down the stairs. Before I could change my mind, again.

She was waiting, I could feel it.

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