With All My Senses

holding on

14 hours later

I storm into the hospital, almost running. Eventually, I slow down, so people don't think I am some kind of a maniac and that nobody puts me in a strait-jacket. I pass the main hall and head for the reception like the last time, wanting to ask the other nurses for him and then I stop. There must have been an accident not long ago because the noise increases and finally turns into words. Words that only I could hear. It's the part that I hated the most.

Make the pain stop...

Where is everyone? Why am I alone? Why can't I move?!

I can't feel anything. Somebody help me, please help.

Stop that! Don't take her away! No, she is still alive. No, don't she is so tiny...

I pass the reception and start to look for him desperately. The voices taking over my head. He has to be here somewhere. I watch patients in all sorts of states. Older people slowly moving forward, some with their IV bags. People sitting with their hands and legs wrapped around in bandages. Others are just worn out by whatever sickness was eating their bodies. I close my eyes, willing it all to stop.

He's gonna pay for this, the fucking murderer. He's gonna pay for what he did to...

I flinch and start walking faster. Maybe he's with a patient? Or in the bathroom? I look for the latter and walk in without even thinking. I hear a lot of offended voices, see frowns and try to ignore a lustful grin from one guy. I lift my hands in surrender, saying that I am looking for someone (the idiot with too much testosterone in his blood, waves at me and winks). Then I call out Charlie's name a few times and after not hearing any reply, I quickly evacuate from there. Where else can I look?

Why did you do this to me, Lord? Why did you take him away from me? WHY? You were supposed to take me, we had a deal...

I wince as I hear the cracking voice and all the emotions and pain wrapped around in those words. Honestly, I didn't know what was worse here. The threats, blasphemy, and venom spat out of people, or the pain of a broken spirit crumbling apart. I just couldn't find the strength to fight them, no matter what words fell in my head.

I notice the light getting brighter again and I start to panic, No, I couldn't let it get as bad as before. This wasn't a joke or something that could just go away. I could feel that whatever was happening to me, was in some way damaging my brain cells. And the loss of weight, insomnia, and nervous ticks were just a small addition to my falling apart state.

I stop walking for a while and put my hands against a nearby wall. I try to concentrate on calming down, my breathing irregular and I feel like I just ran a marathon, almost out of breath. I hear my heart pounding in my chest and try not to panic when it keeps skipping a beat. I begin to sweat when I realize that there are short times when it isn't beating at all. Calm down. You have to calm down. I straighten my back and head for the cafeteria. My feet drag across the floor as I look around.