Ataraxia (SaeranxReader)

Burn

-Chapter 11: Burn-

"You have to die a few times before you can really live."

☄

Finally, my period pains were gone. 

In the past 4 days, Saeran hasn't visited my room much. I didn't know if he was afraid of being alone in a bedroom with me again after our last conversation (actually, after our heated kiss) or if he was afraid of his feelings for me. I still don't know my feelings towards him either. 

The times he visited were usually around midnight anyway, and I was pretending to sleep then. Even though I was dying to speak, what was I going to say? We were just two broken souls that fate brought together at the wrong time, but that it really couldn't.

During these four days, my hot water bag was also renewed with my breakfast. For some reason, as if they were guessing, a believer was coming and changing the water in the bag, which had cooled down, with hot water. 

The bottle of painkillers Saeran brought me was on the nightstand next to me. Even though I couldn't see Saeran, that bottle made me feel his presence. I slept like a stupid young girl hugging that medicine bottle for those four days.

Summer was over. Autumn was starting and temperatures were starting to drop slowly. I was in Mint Eye for about two and a half months. It's been two and a half months since Saeran Choi came into my life and turned me upside down.

One evening, as the sun was about to set, I was lying on my side in my bed, watching the sunset. I remember the day Saeran and I went to the edge of the cliff to watch the sunset. Him saying "I won't let you fall unless you're a bird." to me.

Maybe I was desperately trying to hold on to the memories inside me. In my mind, I was throwing myself off that cliff many times, in alternative scenarios. Scenarios where Saeran didn't hold me, didn't stop me from falling, didn't hold me tight in his arms. These scenarios were perhaps the things that should have happened, were things that needed to be brought to life. I have asked myself many times "Why didn't he let me fall?" but as a result I couldn't find an answer.

I wasn't in love with him, and he wasn't in love with me either. People like us couldn't fall in love. But I desperately missed him. My body missed it. I decided to change my clothes and go to Saeran's room. It couldn't last like this, after all. I got up from my bed and walked to the closet.

Before I could decide what to wear, there was a knock on my door. I felt my heart suddenly jump.

He is here.

"Saeran."  I muttered, running to the door with a small smile on my lips.

However, there was a believer at the door. A believer in his gold-embroidered navy blue robe, bowing before me as usual. Yet I did not lose hope. "Saeran's calling me, isn't he? I was on my way to the control room anyway." I muttered, struggling to keep my smile from fading.

"Um...no, Miss Rosa. Actually, Savior has summoned you to the throne room. Mr. Choi is there too." he muttered as he lifted his head. I was also surprised to see some confusion on his face, along with the usual blank expression of all believers. Sometimes I forgot that they were actually human, just disciples.

Why would Rika call me to the throne room?

Normally, she would invite me to her room to drink tea and chat the most, like we always do. Saeran being there, Rika calling me to the throne room...a chill, a bad feeling came over me, but I tried to calm myself.