Ataraxia (SaeranxReader)

Memories

-Chapter 12: Memories-

"Sometimes we don't want to heal because the pain is the last link to what we've lost."

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It was probably past midnight when i woke up.

When it rains heavily, it leaves behind an earthy scent before it leaves. Whenever a nightmare passed through my mind, the memories spread to me, to my mind, just as the suffocating smell of the soil that sends the rain away. Despite all this, I loved the smell of earth after the rain. What I didn't like was the cold.

Snow.

Because when it snowed, silence would prevail. The snow would even destroy your footsteps. As if it never existed. But it destroyed my heart too years ago.

Saeran's room was dark. There was such a storm outside that I felt as if I was hearing the anger of God. For a while I just lay face down in silk black sheets. Then I lifted my head, and when I glanced around the room, I realized that I was alone. My eyebrows suddenly furrowed. The room was quiet, as if to accommodate this anger.

I got up from the bed, reaching for my black shirt on the floor. I had no intention of looking for my bra or skirt, I couldn't even remember where I took them off in that chaos. I pull the shirt over my head and pull it down as I get out of bed and walk to the door of the room. I was only wearing my underwear under my shirt.

I wanted the steps that took me to the control room to take me to him this time. This time, I wanted to see him, not a Saeran who had pulled up his walls and glared at me with hatred.

When I made my way through the dark to the control room, he was just standing there, leaning against the console table. The computer screens were off for the first time, and it surprised me. Evidently his thoughts were as deep as mine, and he could not bear even the slightest bit of light. He looked at me as he took a long drag of his cigarette. It was like he was waiting for me to come. I didn't say anything, even though I felt our eyes meet in the dark.

"Monsters." he muttered after a while. "When they're little, kids say they see monsters. Parents try to teach kids that monsters aren't real, they're just dreams. Kids want to believe that too." He tapped his cigarette lightly into the ashtray and spilled the ashes from the end. "Until they grow up to become it, and when they look in the mirror they see the most real monster."

As he pressed his cigarette into the ashtray, the faint orange fire at its tip also died. Slowly but calmly, I walked towards him with my bare feet.

"When I look at you, I don't see a monster. I never did."

I actually saw the devil. But I didn't say that, of course.

Hearing the sarcastic laugh rising from his throat, I felt the mocking smirk forming on his lips, though I couldn't see it in the dark.

"Have you ever thought, Rosa?" he muttered as he approached me. "What happened, how did it all get to this point, what brought everything to this point, why did I ruin your whole life?" He stopped when he was right in front of me, his mint green eyes fixed on me. "Why am I ruined too?"

There are some moments, all the sentences stick to your tongue, but they never come out of your lips. I was at such a moment.

"Have you ever thought, why am I so attached to this goddamn little girl who ruined my plan?"

It was clear from the tone of his voice that what he meant when he said 'attached', was not a romantic confession of love. Saeran was at war with himself. With the people on your mind. With the teachings he believed in. It was clear that he was not at all satisfied with this obsession.