speak softly

i am still running

letters in my eyes,
but not of your name.
for once i am separate.
for once i can breathe my own air,
clip my own nails.

i will dance circles around myself until i am on the floor,
braiding the threads of my carpet.
anything is better than my own company.

it's so easy to melt into another-
to consume every word they say,
until i've made them my own.

somewhere i know this is a shift-
somewhere i know that i'm closer to myself than i've ever been.

i can't help but to think back to myself,
pressed against a tv stand-
letting my fingers grip the wood and feel every vibration of the song.
the lyrics became concrete.
the breaths between lines drew every wall i've built into a horrible destruction of self realization.

and i swore in that moment it was not my doing.
that a 19 year old girl held that power over me,
that a lover woke me up.
i swore that people were that influential,
that they made up every strand of who i was.

and i can laugh at my naivety,
but i still believe it.
i still am running circles,
begging someone to let me have purpose.

i want so badly to have purpose.

but i think i'm close.
at least-
as close as i can be.
the carpet has scratched my back enough times that it's left a scar.
i can not be this.
i can no longer be anything but a girl with a heart.

i am a girl with a heart and i am running.
i am still running.