Hi.
I don't really know how to start this conversation. I just miss you and want to talk to you...
I'm not sure why I feel undeserving of talking to you; why I feel like I have no right to talk to you. Or maybe it's that I'm scared to talk to you because I know that I want something else, and you've told me you don't want the same thing.
I do know that I miss you and that I want to talk to you, even though every single person I know, and then even people on the internet, are telling me to just cut you off and forget about you. But I've tried not to talk to you, to do "no contact" and it's not helping me forget about you.
I keep telling people I want to forget about you, to move on and find someone else, or at least find peace, but I have really fucking tried and I just can't get myself there.
I suppose that's okay. And strangely, it has nothing to do with you because these are personal feelings and you don't really need to know them since you have been clear you don't have feelings for me, but I guess I'm telling you anyways...because I want to be honest. Because I want to do something that scares me, which there is a long list of so might as well do one of them.
I still haven't / can't decide what to do about these feelings for you. My options are to never speak to you again and hope that eventually my feelings go away and I create space for someone new; to just be friends because then at least I can still talk to you, but that means having you in a capacity that feels lacking to what I desire; to tell you I hate you and that you're a horrible person which is a lie, but is one easy way for me to move on, because if you were horrible it would be SO much easier to forget about you; or be rude and stubborn as fuck and just remind you every few months I still have feelings for you even though I know you don't feel the same way, debasing and degrading myself and my feelings and making your life miserable. :)
Those are the options I've thought through, and what have I decided to do...nothing. I have decided to neither speak to you, nor ignore you; I have decided to miss you and still have feelings for you, but not tell you; and I have decided you've done hurtful things unintentionally which creates space for me to forgive you, but does not erase my hurt feelings. It's all very confusing, which is why I have done nothing. Because I am confused with myself, so I just don't act because that is the most neutral option for me.
I know that I'm confused because I KNOW how you feel, and yet I can't move on. I don't know why I can't get over you and move on, and I'm confused why I keep coming back to you in my head when it has been made clear, by your words and actions, that you aren't interested in me in any capacity. But here I am, stuck with these feelings that I can't do anything about.
So I write these things with the tiniest sliver of hope one day you might say, 'you know what, I feel the same way too. Let's try this again'. I have no evidence that will happen, because your actions do not demonstrate you feel anything towards me, but yet I hold out hope, apparently. Or maybe its not hope but desperation and delusion which is honestly just fucking sad, and another reason why I do nothing; because how fucking sad is it for someone you broke up with 8 months ago, that you have told you aren't interested in, to tell you she still cares about you and wants to date you? Could I get any lamer or sadder? I feel like a loser just admitting it to myself. I mean, you broke up with me 8 months ago, and I'm just fucking waxing poetic about you in my mind when you aren't even interested in acknowledging my existence.
I wish that things were different; I wish we were still together because we got along so well. I really felt we were perfectly compatible; even down to our fucking architectural likes (hello FLWright). And I really felt strongly for you; I really wanted our relationship to last a long time. We just triggered each others attachment wounds, and so now we're not together. But, clearly, I wish we were. And, apparently, I'm willing to do everything and nothing to get you back, but I know you can't do the same, and you don't want to do the same. I'm not okay with that, but it is what it is.
I'm actually not okay with any of it, which is obvious and explains why I just can't let go.
I never really consider myself stubborn, but all this is is stupid, bullheaded stubbornness. And I don't particularly like it because I'm stubborn on wanting change, wanting us to be together, but you desires are equally as important as mine, and you want other things. You want other people, and to not feel anxious every time you feel yourself getting too close to someone who might need to rely on. And I stubbornly, and stupidly, still want to be in a relationship with you, because I miss you. I legitimately miss absolutely everything about you, it's annoying. And I do miss the person I was when I was with you because that person was happier than the person writing this. But I can't force you to do something you have no interest in, so my stubbornness for this to work, and to do something about my feelings, fizzles out to me writing these and doing nothing.
It's a wonder I can even function when my feelings are so stupid. Why can't emotions just pay attention to reality and consider the present moment instead of being blinded by the need to feel everything so much? Or maybe why can't I do that? It's a mystery. A mystery I have been trying to solve for about 5 months, to no avail. I don't think I'll ever understand my feelings, I just know I can't ignore them, and I can't tell you them, so I have to do something with them. And here they end up. To be forever memorialized in these words that you will never read or hear.
How lucky you are to not feel the way I do about this connection, and for you to not have to confront my feelings for you the way I do every waking moment. Believe me, I wish I didn't have these feelings. I envy you because it must be so much easier to just forget about someone when you never truly had feelings for them in the first place.
