Hi
I was going to say I miss you, but I don't even know if that's true.
I want to text you, and talk to you, and tell you about what's going on in my life; and I want you to the same with me. I want to know about your day, and for you to text me about life, and what's going on in your head. I don't know if that's me missing you, mostly because I don't feel the longing I usually feel when I miss you. It's just a really nice day outside, sunny and warm, and it made me think of you, and made me realize how much I want to talk to you. How much I wish we talked...
It's funny though because I could reach out and text you, get a conversation going. It's not like you're dead, or like we had a massive fight where we told the other to never speak to us again. I can contact you, but I never feel like that's a good idea. I'd feel stupid reaching out to you, and I already feel stupid every time I write these.
Why am I still missing you and wanting to talk to you when you broke up with me 9 months ago, and we haven't spoken since May? I think maybe you looking me up on LinkedIn, and then the whole website fiasco, makes me feel like there is hope; that maybe you're thinking of me too. That maybe you feel the same way I do too, or at least feel similarly. But I feel stupid because I can't seem to let go, to move on. But things didn't naturally fizzle out, there was an unnatural cut off, and so everything feels wrong; off.
Texting you seems wrong, writing you seems wrong, interacting with you on social media feels wrong, wanting to get back together with you feels wrong, missing you feels wrong. Everything just feels wrong, like I'm doing everything wrong to feel better. Because that's the main thing; I can't seem to get out of this funk of you being out of my life.
I can't get over you, I can't talk to you, I can't let go of you, I want to be with you; but all of that feels wrong, like I'm failing at living my life somehow. As if I'm failing at being both a friend, an ex, and my own person; as if I am betraying everyone including myself. No matter what I do I am failing or betraying someone, including you.
In order to not fail or betray you, I assume the best thing for me to do is either leave you alone, or text you like a friend. But you haven't reached out to me in anyway that demonstrates you want to be my friend, so I guess I just move on, which betrays what I want. If I was true to myself and honored myself I would text you whenever I missed you, but that makes me feel like a loser, and also like I am simultaneously being there for myself and my feelings while betraying myself and my feelings. Because if someone doesn't want to be around me, the best thing for me would be to leave them where they are and move on with my life, but I can't seem to do that with you. So, essentially, my options come down to who will I betray and fail, and it seems I have chosen myself since I just do nothing but feel for you, write these letters, and wake up everyday hoping I'm over it.
Huuhg.
Everything I do makes me unhappy and embarrassed, so I do nothing. The only thing that would make me happy and not embarrassed is if you texted me...but we both know the chances of that are 1/3000.
