The Stranger / Chris Evans x OC

Chapter 163: Drowning

AMELIA

The first week was the hardest. 

I had to power through for most of it because I couldn't neglect work, not with the trial already under way. I spent practically 24/7 at the office for the first few days, looking for a distraction from my thoughts. 

Once the weekend rolled around and I was forced to take time off, however, that's when it all crashed into me all over again. 

I cried. A lot. 

I watched a lot of movies, mostly epic love stories that I knew didn't have a happy ending. I just wanted the reminder that sometimes it doesn't all work out the way you want it to, and even though it breaks your heart, sometimes it's for the best. 

I also did something stupid. I went back and read the article again. 

I spent a long time – too long – looking at the pictures. The first and second one could be innocent, but the third one... Chris tried to say they were just hugging, and while I can sort of see that, it just looks too much like him pulling away from a kiss for me to truly believe him. 

I ignored his calls. I ignored the ones coming from Scott, knowing it was Chris who'd realized I had blocked him. I didn't know what else to do. 

I had to try and put some space between us, I knew that if I let him talk to me he would convince me to take him back because that's what I truly want. 

Of course I want to take him back. The love doesn't go away just because they hurt you. 

I love him. More than I've ever loved anyone. 

It feels like I'm being ripped apart from the inside, forced to choose between my heart and my head. My heart doesn't understand, my heart doesn't know what's happening right now. It's like expecting a toddler to understand grief; no matter what I try to tell myself, my heart keeps pulling at me. 

Keeps pulling at me to call him, to go see him, to talk to him. It's screaming at me, you miss him, you miss his smell, you miss his voice, you miss how he feels when you wrap yourself around him, just go see him he will fix it all, he'll make everything better, just go see him!

It's overwhelming and numbing at the same time. Because the entire time, my head is telling me no. No explanation, no elaboration; just no. 

And so I listen to my head, even though I want to listen to my heart. Because what if he's not telling the truth? What if he just got caught and is now trying to cover it up, then what? That means it won't be the last time it'll happen. 

That means a lifetime of worrying that he'd do it again. 

I don't know if I can do that, I don't know if we can regain the trust we once had. It still felt like he was hiding something, even as I was screaming and begging for him to tell me truth. 

Taylor told me he spoke to him a few days after our fight. He'd come over the next day, and he'd spoken to Chris when he came knocking on my door again. Harsh words were said, Taylor was obviously angry at him. 

But apparently Chris had called him a few days later, trying to plead his case. Taylor believed him, for some reason, and he tried to reason with me but I wasn't in a mental space where I could let him. I'm not ready to talk about it or to pick it apart to find a proper reason or excuse. 

Right now I just need to feel and wallow in it. Taste it on my tongue, feel it on my skin. Feel the weight of it on my shoulders. 

And then later I'll decide if I'm ready to let it go. 

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A month has passed since I last saw him. 

I uninstalled all of my social media apps, it became too much. Comments, messages, getting tagged in the pictures over and over again on instagram. 

I read some of the comments, most of them written in outrage, angry at Chris, but some also said they couldn't blame him. That if he'd fallen in love with someone else then it's his right to pursue it. 

I can't say I disagree. If that's how he feels then I won't stand in the way.

Why would I fight for someone who doesn't want me?

I spent Christmas with my family, without Chris, obviously. New Years passed without speaking to him, as well. At this point I've acknowledged that we're broken up and that we might even stay that way. 

I have him blocked everywhere. I've had it that way since the first week, it was the only way I knew to ensure he wouldn't cloud my judgement. 

But I miss him. I miss him every night when I go to bed and every morning when I wake up. 

I miss him at breakfast, lunch and dinner. I miss him when I go to work and when I come back home. I miss him when I walk down the street, or pass a café, or see a dog. 

I miss him whenever I see someone wearing sunglasses, or a cap, or a hoodie, or even sweatpants. 

Maybe the truth is that I just miss him all the time. 

But I don't know if I'm ready to open myself up to another heartbreak. Am I ready to open up that book and read the pages? What if the words on them crush me?

It feels like pandoras box, like something hidden inside that has the potential to either fix me or ruin me, and I'm too scared to find out which one it'll be. 

But I can't deny that it feels like my entire future got ripped away in an instant. I've always had plans for myself, goals in life, a future I'd imagined. But recently they'd all started including Chris, even if it wouldn't be easy. I was ready to do the work. 

I was ready to go through the hard times if it meant being together, I was ready to compromise and work around it in order to stay with him. That's how much he means to me. 

I know he would never ask me to compromise on the things that are truly important to me, like my career, but ever since our talk about moving I've been looking into the possibility of being able to move to Massachusetts and still practice law. And it wouldn't actually be as difficult as I initially thought. 

And even though I'd never thought I would have a family it didn't mean I never wanted one. With Chris it seemed possible. It was starting to feel like a road I'd like to go down, something I'd like to experience if it was with him. 

It feels like sorting through a hoarders basement when I try to decipher my thoughts and feelings. It feels like I'm drowning under the pressure of it all. Like I'm in too deep and I can't swim, can't bring myself to the surface to take a breath. 

Everything is so jumbled, nothing seems clear. It all feels like a giant mess. 

But underneath it all, I know how I feel. 

I miss him. And I still love him. 

And eventually I'll have to talk to him. But not until I'm ready.  

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