Reckless

Thirty Seven

*Lil*

2 and a half years.

2 and a half years of my life and Carter just- just tossed it away for some girl he said himself he doesn't even like. 'I don't want Juliette'. And yet, you're calling off a whole relationship over her? We were talking about marriage and settling down. I bought a fucking house! I bought a house he thought was perfect but it was further from the rink for me and closer to his rink and there wasn't enough outdoor space for me. But I'd bought it because he was waiting for Kredrith to accept his transfer and even if it didn't get accepted, I needed a place to live and eventually he'd get over here and everything was going to be fine.

"What can I get you sweet?" I sat down at the bar. It wasn't packed. It was only 7 on a Wednesday so I can't expect it to get crazy. I don't even know exactly where I am. I drove out of town. I needed to give him time to get everything out and I needed to cool off without it ending in my going to the rink because I'd end up pissing Matt off and it wasn't even worth it.

"A uh- Whiskey please. Double. Strongest you've got."

It's not even like I could never see him again. Owen gets married in 3 months. And then you've got Christmas. And anything to do with Grace and her other brothers. Carter's always going to be involved in my life somehow.

I can't even be mad at him either. Because Carter is going to be the best fucking dad. He's such a good uncle and he's always wanted kids to dote on and do all the parent things with. I can't be mad at him for trying to give that girl the best possible upbringing and for trying to make things work for them as a family. I mean it when I say I wish them the best. He deserves it. That little girl deserves to have her dad close by and not hundreds of miles away. She deserves him at school plays and him teaching her to skate and build snowmen and she deserves to know how deep Carter's love goes because I know how deep it goes and if I've gotten anything out of the past 2 and a half years with Carter, it's that I won't ever accept anything less than what he's given me. I've been beyond happy since I got him. It sucks thinking I won't get that again.

I wiped the tear from my cheek quickly, swallowing the lump in my throat and taking a burning gulp of the liquid. I'd only drunk whiskey a few times and I can't say I enjoyed it. It was the feeling more than anything. The burn that slips down your throat and pools in your stomach. It gives you something to focus on when everything else is crumbling. It doesn't feel like it's doing the job right now though.

"Sorry to interrupt." The waitress spoke from behind the bar. "I've been asked to bring this over with a shot of tequila. Some guy who said he knew you?" She shrugged, slipping a napkin onto the table with the shot. I stared at them both. Tequila. I haven't touched that stuff in years. Even the smell of it reminds me of countless nights out back in school with Callie and Lara and Kaz. I missed them. I'd be back soon for graduation and I couldn't wait to just have a few nights away from the rink and training and this, apparently.

'One for you, one for me Love.'

I looked around the room, not a single person I recognized and I wasn't stupid enough to touch a drink someone else had sent over.

"Are you okay?" I downed the last of the Whiskey in one swift swallow, deciding it was probably best to not be getting wasted in bars alone. I might just get a hotel for the night. Wallow. Watch some Netflix in bed with ice cream and a few bottles of wine, face time Grace and Cal. Yeah. Probably the best idea I've had tonight to be honest.

"Yeah. Thanks. Keep the change." I dropped probably too much cash onto the counter and left. Ducking past the couple trying to get in the door but they were half way through a game of tonsil tennis.

The streetlights and the shop windows lit the pedestrian zone up more than any other city I'd seen. Kredrith certainly had a charm to it. It had been beautiful, walking the wide cobblestone streets covered in snow. The Christmas markets and the hot chocolate with whatever liquor they had this year. This was home now. More than Montrose. More than Elesridge. I'd be here for years. Close to the rink. Preparing for whatever the next games was. I only had a few months left until I'd be competing in my first and how I was going to do that without Carter I have no idea.

"You really shouldn't be walking home alone." A girl cannot catch a break. Heartbroken and just trying to get to a hotel and all of a sudden there's some guy following me. Like I needed this right now. "Where's Carter Lil?" I stopped in my tracks. Swallowed. Turned to see whoever was addressing Carter and me like they knew me.

Theo.

This might actually be worse than someone I didn't know.

I moved 300 miles away.

Packed up my life into stupid cardboard boxes at the end of my first year of uni. I avoided all of Owen's parties. Didn't go home if he mentioned Theo was going to be there. I'd gone all this time without even a spotting of him passing by. But on the day when I'm literally holding myself together on a blade edge, he's here. Sad blue eyes and an unprinted hoodie still looking as flawless as he did back then.

"Waiting for me somewhere that's not here." I swallowed and turned.

"Lilah." It's too much. There's too much I have locked up when it comes to Theo. I can't process all of this right now. "Don't lie to me love."

"Piss off Theo." I crossed my arms and continued walking. If I hadn't had that double I could have just gotten in my car and driven home. I could order a taxi but he'd just stand and wait and I need to be away from him but he's picked up his pace.

"Lil."

"I said-" He grabbed my arms. Not hard enough to hurt me, enough to pull me to a stop.

"Where are you going Lil?" I swallowed. No idea Theo. I don't have a single clue. I can't go home. I don't know if any hotels will even have rooms. I don't really know anyone here. Matt's on a date tonight so I can't even go there. "You're not okay."

"I'm fine."

"No. Lilah. You're not. I can see it on your face." Why won't this lump go? I just- I just want to breathe. That's all. I just want the weight on my chest to dissipate and leave me like everything else does. I sniffed, wiping the single tear that slipped passed my defences. "Come on."

"I'm not going anywhere with you."

"Lil. You can't cry in the middle of the street."

"I'm not crying. Let me go Theo. I'm fine. I want- I want you to let me go."

"Lil-"

"Please Theo." STOP CRYING LILAH. Stop it. Stop letting him in. He doesn't' deserve this. "Please don't do this. Not right now."

"What happened Lil?"

"Nothing just-"

"Darling please." He tugged, forcing me closer to him. Enough to wipe the tears flooding down my cheeks. "Talk to me Love. Please talk to me. Let me help."

"Why are you here? You should be in Montrose with Owen and Skylar."

"Let's get you home." Get me home? Was I really that easy? Get my heart broken and he can just swoop in like the past 3 years never happened? Am I really that stupid to let Theo think he has any right to anything, including all this shit? You need someone right now Lil. Not him. You can't just drink yourself into a pit Lilah. I also can't let him toy with me like last time. I'm already fucking fragile. It's Theo. Exactly. The same Theo who broke your heart and then expected you to just give everything up because he got bored of his play thing.

"No."

"No?"

"No. I'm - I'm fine. Let me go."

"Lilah." I pulled out of his grip, taking a few steps back.

"I'll see you at the wedding I guess." I turned away, walking faster until I was almost running, just to put some space between us. Theo is never good news.

"LILAH! For fuck sake. LIL?" I sunk down behind an industrial bin in some dodgy back alley, listening to him shouting for me, trying to find wherever I'd run off to. I waited until he was far enough before running back to my car.

Never again. It wasn't happening again. I'm not risking it again.