I eventually owe you one of these that isn't just me complaining or crying. I can't foresee it being anytime soon though. I feel like all I've been doing is complaining and crying.
I've just started my sophomore (yes sophomore, I hate Canada and everything it stands for) year of college and it has not been easy. Well, actually it's been incredibly easy. I moved in fine, I'm living in a nice place with my friends, my classes are all fine, realistically I have nothing to complain about. I've just been in an undeniable funk that I can not escape. When I was home it was "just wait until I get to school" and now that I'm at school it's "just wait until I settle in" but how much more settling in can I do. Everything is irritating and I've been sleeping away my free hours. I'm looking forward to nothing. Not meeting or seeing Jeff Rosenstock, not my 20th birthday, not my birthday party with all my friends, I truly feel like I have nothing to be excited about. I've feel like I've just been moping around my dorm like a ghost. I haven't seen anyone except my friends I live with, and even then I apathetically lay in bed with the door shut and listen to them laugh in the living room while I wallow in self pity. How do i escape this labyrinth of suffering? That's obviously dramatic but all I've been feeling is dramatic. I've barely been talking to Lucas because when I'm alone all I want to do is sleep or doomscroll. I jokingly said in our dms that I need a weird thing with someone again and honestly I think I truly just want someone new. Not to have a weird thing with, just in general. I miss new people paying attention to me. I miss yearning and longing and having new conversations. I'm sick of going over the same situations again and again. Obviously I'm not innocent to this, I start and continue these conversations over and over again, but I need something. I feel like I have no one yet obviously I have everyone. I feel like I need to change or die. Something needs to happen, but I don't have the energy to do anything about it. I need to develop a substance dependency. I need to shave my head. I need to be self destructive. Its only the 3rd day of classes.
Everyone is deeply irritating me. Everything everyone says feels patronizing. I constantly feel like picking fights, which is so unlike me. I don't want to bring up the s word but it's been looming over me. I feel like I just can't take it. I haven't felt this way in a while. Why am I like this? Will I be like this forever? Man it feels like it.
I miss you so bad. I know we say it every time but I can't mean it anymore. I genuinely genuinely miss you. I worry it'll never be the same. I want it to be like it used to be. I don't want it to be now and vaguely weird. I just want it to be the same as it used to be. Can we just pretend like the last year hasn't happened. I need something like that right now. I don't care about the nuances or anything I just need us to talk like we used to. Please bring us back.
I know I'm being dramatic. I know I'll be fine eventually. It's just been feeling so hard to get to that point. Who do I even tell? Everyone is just going to say give it a few more weeks or that I'm being dramatic. I just feel so bad ben. I don't know what to do.
It's awkward emo posting with your friends like 10 feet away from you on the other side of a closed door.
Maybe I'm just on my period. Ill try to give it a week.
Good times for a change
See, the luck I've had
Can make a good man
Turn badSo please, please, please
Let me, let me, let me
Let me get what I want
This timeHaven't had a dream in a long time
See, the life I've had
Can make a good man badSo for once in my life
Let me get what I want
Lord knows, it would be the first time
Lord knows, it would be the first time
