Forgive me if this one sounds bad. I'm writing it while high. Does admitting you're high ever get less embarrassing? I feel like talking about smoking or being high or drunk is always humiliating. I feel like a middle schooler when I say it. I always feel so lame. I think being high is just embarrassing in general. I always feel super vulnerable when I am.
Driving has been weird. I'm not going to get into the upsetting parts because I'm tired of being upset. One thing that kind of offput me was the places I drove. My town is surrounded completely by forest, big open fields, and mostly backroads. They twist and turn in ways that make you tighten your seatbelt across your lap. When driving with my dad I was just going places I've never been before. Taking turns I usually don't and going straight where I'd usually turn. I quickly realized that I had begun to drive on the roads I only ever drove on with G***. It was weird feeling. I was driving my dad's SUV for the first time and was so nervous. It was dark so you could only see with the high beams. It was one of the first cool nights in a while, we were driving with the windows down and you could perfectly smell fall beginning to set in. We passed the place him and I would go most frequently, the other high school. We'd sit on this big hill that looked out over the whole town. It sounds fake but the whole time it was happening I felt like a coming of age movie. We also passed the parking lot he once took me to. We parked there in the middle of it. It's the parking lot of an elementary school I've never been to. It's almost midnight so there's not a single car. He says to me "I once had sex in my car in this parking lot." I kind of don't know what to say so I give a half hearted "ew" to hide my squeamishness at him bringing me here to say that. We drove off shortly after he said that. He had also mentioned he taught his then ex girlfriend how to drive there. It made me feel weird passing it as I learned how to drive. We also passed his house. My dad was telling me which way to go and for some odd reason we drove down his road. There was no reason to, so it felt like a weird message the universe was sending me. It reminded me of that stupid Olivia Rodrigo song in a weird way. I spoke to him again recently. I honestly don't know why I did it. I probably shouldn't have but I don't really care. Now that I just typed this all out im starting to wish I would stop thinking about him. I had a dream the other night that he apologized to me. I wish those would stop.
I've been loving calling you. I love arguing with you. You are such a good person to argue with. I said on our last call that we have my favorite friendship. I mean that. Every conversation with you is so fulfilling to me in a way that I don't get often. I feel like I'm explaining this so bad. I just think we fit together very well. I'm so happy we're friends. I hope you don't think I'm weird or too much. Sometimes I feel so lame compared to your other friends. They're such cool and sexy internet hipsters. Am I sounding weird? Sorry I'm just so high. I feel like I'm getting higher the longer I write this. That's so cringe. Anyway. Sometimes I feel like you're too cool for me. You should be taking pictures for cool magazines and watching freaky foreign movies in indie theaters in the city not calling me to talk about my roommate drama. I'm so lucky I get to be your friend. I really hope we get to meet again. I've been thinking a lot about this Sarina wedding meet up. That would be so crazy. I would want to meet everyone you've ever mentioned. It reminds me of the Nana Grizol song.
So when I got to your city, it was summer
It was pretty and we walked around because we had the time
You remarked on all the places that you hadn't seen in ages
Disconnected from the metro city lines
and AM 180
If you come down
We'll go to town
I haven't been there for years
But I'd be fine
Wasting our time
Not doing anything here
Just doing nothingWe'll sit for days
And talk about things
Important to us like whatever
We'll defuse bombs
Walk marathons
And take on whatever together
I can't wait to hang out with you. You make me feel so cool early 20s. Everyone I know feels so high school. I really hope you like me too. Sometimes it's sad we live so far because I just know that if we lived together we'd be such good friends. Are you getting what I'm saying? Should I not be saying this? It's hard to type while high.
I don't know what else to say. I'm glad I don't have work tomorrow. I'm glad we're calling tomorrow night. I'm only half excited for school. I applied to work at the library this semester. I hope I get it. I love you a lot. I think I'm going to go watch some smosh.
