The mountains get especially cold in the winter. I'm denying the chill, insisting that a t-shirt and jeans will keep me warm, though it often does. I'm grateful for my lack of jacket in the seemingly infinite Targets and Walmarts I exist in, that seem to always be pumped full of heat and longing. The car rides are always my favorite. They can seem overwhelming at times; pop music playing just slightly too loud and the sounds of mindless chatter that take me away from the headphones I secretly slide in when no one is looking. Sometimes my fast paced whiny men yelling music perfectly lines up with their vaguely queer female pop star music, and everything makes sense. Other times its too perfect for me to feel fully. There's a Jane Austen quote that says, "If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more." When this quote comes up in my silly poem slide shows its always about romantic love, but I feel it mostly in life itself. I can't talk about how I feel because I am loving too much, and there just aren't words that can fully encapsulate that. That's how I feel in the car sometimes.
It's mid fall and I'm in the back seat feeling slightly car sick. I roll the window down and the car fills with the smell of cold air and distant camp fires. I roll it down just enough that the wind is hitting my eyes. My bangs move from their proper spot, so I pull the beanie I'm wearing down to keep them in place. Everything seems much quieter than it actually is. We drive through the roads lined with trees, cars in front and behind us keeping us neatly at the speed limit. The music is low, its usually a Clairo or Boygenius song. I'm playing my own music in my AirPods, but it's background noise that I use to fill the gaps between conversations. We talk about nothing; class, people we know, celebrities we don't, our families, the past, anything we can think of. Sometimes it's nice when no one is talking. I like listening to the sounds of the suburban mountains.
I keep writing and rewriting the end of this wattpad so I think I'll just end it here. It's 5:15am so I should probably sleep. It's just so much easier to sleep the day away and ponder in my bed during the odd hours.
