This is my one billionth try to write a wattpad. I've tried and deleted them a million times. I'm not even going to name this one until I'm certain that I'll publish it. I just need to get it out.
I've been feeling bad recently. And by recently I mean like the last two months. I've been slightly better, at least better than I was. I'm no longer staying up until 4 am and trying to quietly sob in my room anymore, I'm staying up until 4 am and doom scrolling and gooning until I think about how early I have to get up. Big difference, right?
I was doing everything I was supposed to do to remedy it though. My school has free counseling and I have insurance so I made an appointment to have them help me find a psychiatrist because I had no idea what to look for. I made the appointments and went but they were useless. I met with 2 different women:
Jeanette is a mid 50's white women with slightly purple tinted hair and blown out tattoos. She made me hopeful the first time I met her, telling me she'd help me find a psychiatrist and that I'd only have to meet with a counselor from the school a few times just to make sure I was ok. During my intake I muttered through my trauma and what not, but sparked up when she started talking about punk. I had to politely nod when she told me her love for NOFX , The Dropkick Murphys, and The Clash. She validated me when I knew the bands she mentioned, and laughed when I told her I didn't believe in British punk (except Crass). She told me about bands that came through my college town and I said that was cool, but I didn't want to be surrounded by old guys telling me about the good ol' days. I left feeling hopeful about getting better. The next time I saw her I felt more defeated. When talking about psychiatrists, she told me that I should just go back to therapy, despite me telling her numerous times that I didn't want to and it would be a waste of time. She referred me to a website that did Telehealth (despite me saying that even if I was forced to do therapy I couldn't do Telehealth because I just play on my iPhone the whole times which defeats the purpose). She showed me the website and told me to just pick one and call. She kept flickering between talking normally and using her therapist voice, which angered me when I was trying to tell her exactly what I want and need. She asked if I needed help calling, which felt patronizing. I didn't come in because I can't do these things, I very easily can and have been for most of my life. I came in because I just didn't know where to start. She just kept telling me to do things I already did. The meeting was 10 minutes, compared to the hour intake I had to do. I felt bitter when she told me to call if I needed help again.
The other women I met I completely forget her name, but it also started with a J, so we'll just call her that. J is a grad student at some college I've never heard of interning at my school. She's sweet and very young. She definitely is a therapist, everything about her screams it. Her oversized beige cardigans wrapped around her, the "you can do it" affirmation posters hanging around her desk, her cheesy relatable jokes and slang that can seem likes its trying to hard, but you can always tell its sincere. When I first met her she asked me only a few questions, which prompted me to ramble for basically the whole hour session. I told her about my countless years of therapy with the same therapist, my unusual experiences with a social worker, my skipping habits in high school and now college, what I do to cope, how I know I'm depressed or manic, basically everything I could possibly think she needed to know*. After I talked and talked she was quiet for a moment and said "you're incredibly self aware and I honestly don't know what to tell you, so you're going to have to give me a week" I felt weird after that. I felt proud for knowing myself well enough to seem like I knew what I was talking about. I also felt despair, like no one could help me and I would be forced to deal with this forever. This was also the day she asked if I have ever been diagnosed with ADHD. This was weird, that's the Ben disease there is no way I have that (/j). She says its because I have a need to be constantly stimulated or I just won't do it She says she thinks I skipped in high school so much because it was too easy. This was a reoccurring thing in my life that people would say to me. That's what all the school guidance counselors and truancy social workers would say. I'd deny this every time, because I just don't believe it. I told J this. She said "maybe the reason you're skipping is because you skipped a lot in high school" and I said that it was probably rooted in my trauma, that I was neglected too much so I never learned discipline or routine and it was coming back to haunt me in my adult life. That's when she called me self aware. After she told me that I said, "I can be self aware as much as I want but until I start doing something to better myself it means nothing"** she just agreed with me and scheduled our next appointment.
