This is my last 4 days as a teenage girl. It feels weird. It's hard to think of what I've done and accomplished in my teenage years. It's hard to gauge what I'm feeling about it. I think about the meme that's like "hot girls cry on they birthday every year" and it's cringe but true, as most things usually are. I tend to cry on my birthday, and I'm sure I will this year as well. I keep saying to everyone, "I'm no longer going to be a teenage girl, I'm losing my societal value!" to which everyone rolls their eyes, or says, "you lost your societal value when you were born poor and ugly". I don't actually think I'm losing my societal value, but entering my 20s is something I've been a little shaken up about. What do you mean I'm in my early 20s? I'm literally still 16!
I've deemed this fall the Autumn of Yearning. I have done nothing but pine, yearn, and long since September started. I'm sitting in my dorm room high and listening to Jeff Rosenstock and thinking about fall 2021 for the millionth time. I hate that I think about that era so much. It's not even just that one thing that nags me in my snapchat memories every year and forces me to relive those midnight drives in the dead of autumn. It felt such a specific way that I've just been craving. I also have been missing you and I know you're sick and tired of me saying it but it's so true. I want to believe we're back.
I miss being wanted. I feel like no one wants me anymore. Bring back my hoes. PLEASE!
The first week of classes was just ok. My classes will be fun until they're not. I skipped my single class on Fridays (statistics) because I got disgustingly high Thursday night and went back to my dorm and binged until I threw up at 4 in the morning. It was truly embarrassing. The day before I told my friends in our living room that I felt so depressed that nothing felt worth living for, not even meeting my favorite guy just a few days later. I kept joking about it to ignore the stinging in my eyes that felt like raw emotion. They told me I had been an asshole the last few days. Saying things curtly even though I didn't mean for it to sound that way. I felt really bad about it, but I didn't know how to voice that without sounding insincere, so I smartly just said, "maybe don't be pussies!" and that went over about exactly how you would imagine. I kept saying I needed a substance addiction to soothe my suicidal ideation. L told me to come over the next day to smoke and eat Wawa fries with them, which I joyfully agreed to. I went over and got so high I reverted to "baby mode" in which I giggle too much and need constant physical affection, which is deeply embarrassing and I don't want to think about that.
We also had a little back to school get together in our new dorm. I drank a single mikes hard and was hitting the pen like a vape. Will talking about intaking substances ever not sound lame and embarrassing? I beforehand had a kind of confrontation with someone over bringing their boyfriend that no one liked over, and they basically said "if he can't come neither can I" and I was going to fold and just tell them both to come but my friends claimed I was having a hero complex about them, so I told them I'll see them around. My friends also invited these two cishet boys that live down the hall from us that they're friends with but I am not. I mostly stuck with K and L most of the night. I got too intoxicated and started harassing these boys yelling at them "you can't call yourself a feminist if you don't take it up the butt" to which L kept motioning me to sit next to them and saying "please reel it in" I was talking to them (L) about femdom and it felt like I was in middle school again. L tells me whenever I'm high I swing my legs no matter where I'm sitting. So I was swinging my legs and talking about femdom. Which felt more embarrassing than I'd admit in my inebriated haze. When we called that night it made me really miss you but again, too embarrassing to admit in that state. That night was fun, I always look disgusting when I'm intoxicated so all the pictures come out bad.
I like that you call me when you're with your friends. It's cute, it makes me feel like you want me there. Your friend, E, told me I probably have the cleanest ben friend record, which feels good. We need a comeback. You need to answer my texts. I need to write better Wattpads.
My room smells like fall and I'm listening to Slowdive and yearning like a mf. There's so much more I want to say, but I don't have the words to get it out. I love you.
I'll be your morning bright good night shadow machine
I'll be your record player baby if you know what I mean
I'll be a real tough cookie with the whiskey breath
I'll be a killer and a thriller and the 'cause of our death
