It's embarrassing to dwell on the past. It's embarrassing when I'm drinking a slushee from Taco Bell and looking out the window at the back roads that lead to home, and swear I can almost smell his car again. It's embarrassing when the street light hits my window in a way that almost mimics sunlight, and I'm feeling giddy in call and I can feel the heat of my room in the summer despite the cold of winter; it reminds me of a certain year with a certain someone. It's embarrassing to be laying in my bed half naked reminiscing on the summer where I'd lay in someone else's bed and watch them strip down. These things feel embarrassing. I hate nostalgia, but it's truly my vice. I listen to songs that remind me of eras, I seek out smells I know that'll remind me of someone. I drive down the same streets as I once did, and sigh in longing. I need to let go. I need to live in the now.
In these past few days, I've weirdly been craving the summer. The 12°C weather feels welcoming. I long for the days of laying in my room and only ever leaving to go to work. I'd make no money and feel like I was losing my days of freedom, but looking back, it was perfect. I miss it more than usual. I'm tired of school. I'm tired of trying. It's only week 4. I can't believe I have 2 more years of this.
I hope I didn't annoy you with my intoxicated call. I kind of regret it, like I wasted a call with you. I love calling you, and I miss you a ton. I really do, Ben. I miss you so much. I have a BAM shaped hole in my heart that only you can fill.
This one is short and it sucks but I just wanted to put something out into this world.
I want to stop talking about how much I hate myself
But I don't have anything else to say
