The Light To My Darkness

4

Meave

I don't think my mother noticed that I took longer than usually today. It's not like she gives me any attention except her mean comments anyway.
But today is probably the first time I'm glad she leaves me alone. I need time to process this encounter.
So I drop onto my bed and stare at the ceiling.
On this side of my room the wall is light blue just like the sky. I remember painting it with Casey when I was 8. It reminds me of her, not because we made it together, but in my mind in represents the sky and that's where she lives now.
Tears build in my eye from the memory.
I miss her. So much.
Those tears only multiply as I eye the picture of me and my sister on my bedside table.
She was 7 years older than me but we were still so close.
She taught me how to braid my hair.
She was there for me when I got my first period.
She let me cry in her arms after our mother said something mean to me again.
Casey was more of a mother than this woman downstairs could have ever been.
My father on the other side didn't pick on my looks or scream at me for every little mistake I made.
He wasn't there enough to do that.
Before my sister died, he was at work all day and often on worktrips. After her death my parents divorced and he left me here with my mother.
He started a new family with his new wife and her son. He even got her pregnant.
This new kid is lucky, because she'll get the father I never had.

As my tears are slowly drying I get a phone call. It says ,,Ave" so I immediately pick up.
,,Meave, you won't believe what Theo just told me!"
,,Hey to you too," I laugh , ,,Tell me."
,,Haha hi, sorry I'm just exited. So, he said that Jason is throwing a party this friday. We should definitely go! You can't lock yourself in your room all day."
,,I'm not sure." I say uncertain.
,,Look I know partys aren't really your thing but I think Jasper will be there. So that's a good reason right? You could talk to him again."
Now that does sound good.
,,Yeah, okay fine. That would be-" i can't finish that sentence though because she interrupts me.
,,Wait. Before you say yes...I should mention that Noah will be coming too."
That shuts me up.
Noah. My ex.
It's not that I still have a thing for him, but he still hurt me pretty badly. I might not have loved him but I liked him a lot.
,,I know you don't want to be around him because of what he did to you, but I'll make sure he stays far away from you. Theo also said he'd tell him to leave you alone." That does relieve me a bit.
,,It's fine, I'll go. I can't let him destroy this for me."
,,Yayyy." In the background I hear her jumping up and down. Typical Ave.
I smile to myself. I want to try to be happy again and this is my chance.
He is my chance.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆

I didn't get a chance to talk to him these past three days, but that's okay. I'll see him today.
I'm shopping with Avery right now because I definitely need a new dress for tonight. I don't own many.
She holds a silver short dress in front of me with a big smile.
,,This would look so good on you!"
I consider the idea, because the dress is indeed really pretty, but then my mom's voice in my head stops me. You'd look fat in this kind of dress. You look like a slut. You should be embarrassed leaving the house like that.
,,Yeah no. I don't think it would look good on me. You should wear it." I suggest.
,,Mae, you know I'm not a silver person. I could were the same in gold though, so let's match. I promise you will look like a fucking goddess in that dress!"
I want to say no, but it's time I pull myself free from the grip she has on me. If I give up she gets exactly what she wants and I can't let that happen.
,,Okay I'll try it on." My smile is rearly real but right now it is.

She was right. The dress looks gorgeous and it makes me feel like a princess.
It shows of curves that I didn't now existed until now. With a B as a bra size I don't have much but at least I don't have any back pain.
My main problem is normally my belly. I know that I'm skinny but I just always get the feeling I should be skinnier. Is used to have an eating dissorder and would go days without eating a thing and then binge.
It got better but a part of me will always have unhealthy relationship with food.
Maybe if I live far away from my mother one day, I can learn to love myself.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆

As I get home with Avery my mother isn't home, so I don't have to worry about what she'll say.
We do our make up next to each other at my vanity table and put on the dresses. I pair it with black highheels and a dark silver purse that glitters.
My curled hair is in a ponytail and bounces behind me as I walk down the stairs.
Am I ready? No.
Will I go anyway? Yes.

And that's how we turn up at the front steps of Jasons ,,Villa" in our shimmering dresses, ready to have a good time. Avery goes of somewhere with her boyfriend Theo so I walk through the big crowd.
And when I see him already looking at me from across the room, I can feel my legs shaking.