The Light To My Darkness

8

Maeve

I know how panic attacs feel like and this is definitely one.
First you start breathing faster until you feel like you are suffocating. Your body begins shaking.
The million thoughts feel like they're strangling you and you can't help but wonder if you're dying.

I give in, letting my mothers words poison my thoughts. She's right. Casey died because of me.
I should have died instead, because if I had, they would still be a family now.
I understand why both my parents hate me.
Honestly, I hate myself too.

Besides my sobbing I can hear a loud knock.
Has my mother come back to haunt me? It's never enough for her. I think she'll never leave me alone unless I lay dead on the ground.
But it's not her. Because seconds later there's a warm body wraping around me and I can finally breathe again.
,,Hey hey, shh...it's okay. I'm here." A soft voice mumbles in my ear.
I feel big hands tangle in my hear pressing me closer to him and I let myself shatter against him. Tears straining his tshirt. I throw my hands around his neck as if I couldn't breath without him near me.
Technically, that's true. I've never felt this kind of comfort. I don't think my parents ever hugged me.
Since my sister died the only person who hugged me was probably Avery, but we don't hug like this. Not this long and strongly. This is different.
I sink completely into him, letting everything I tried to hold back out.
,,Sunny?" He asks me quietly, ,,What happened?"
I've waited for this question to pop. It just feels like if I talk about it it becomes so much realer.
,,It's fine you don't have to tell me right now."

We probably sit there with me crying in his arms for half an hour. To me it felt like years. As if the pain was never gonna end.
Eventually I calm down, letting myself look into his eyes for the first time.
He looks at me and I feel like when suddelny all the clouds disappear and the sun finally comes out.
He leans in to press a kiss to my forehead.
,,Thank you for being here." I whisper.
,,You can always count on me, Meave. I mean it."
Just him being here makes me feel so much better and I can't help but smile a little.
,,My mother said that...sh- she wished I died instead of her and," my voice cracks , ,,that it's all my fault."
I can't look him in the eye because I know I would cry again if I did.
,,It is not your fault, Maeve, do you hear me? And if she really thinks like that, then she doesn't deserve you. You are an amazing person. Do you have any idea what effect you have on other people? I go to school feeling like shit because of my dad and then there's you, looking at me with those stunning brown eyes and you immediately light up my whole world."
I'm left speachless. How is he always so good with words? I want to tell him that I feel the same with him but thats not what this is about.
,,I-I told my sister she should apply at the school. I knew it was her dream but she was to scared, so I helped out...And that's where she died. It's all because of me." He keeps shaking his head as if what I'm saying is complete and utter bullshit.
,,No. Your sister and my mother died because -" his voice cracks, ,,some asshole decided to set a fire to this school for no reason. It is his fault. Not yours!" Jas lays his hands on my cheeks pulling me in closer and forcing me to look into his eyes. My lip twiches as if I might cry again. He looks so worried.
,,I know, I just...She still has this power over me.
Whenever she tells me how ugly I-" I'm unable to finish that sentence because he cuts me off.
,,She tells you what? Fuck, Maeve. If she says something like that to you, please call me. I have no problem telling you a million times that you are the most beautiful and breathtaking human I have seen in my entire live. I can't even believe you're real. How can a human possibly be so gorgeous?"
,,Do you really think that?"
,,No. I know it. Everyone knows it."
That's all I need to hear. He makes me feel so special. Like I'm actually worth something. This boy makes me like myself so much more. I can never loose him.
The thought alone makes me want to never let him go. If anything, I want to get closer to him.
So I do.
I press a soft kiss to his lips, which where already just an inch away.
And then I lay my head on his shoulders and let myself relax. Because with him I feel at peace.
I feel like there is no one but us and he is the essence of my life. He is all I need.
I close my eyes and dream of his emerald green eyes.