5150

The letter

Maya,

I can't believe I'm writing this, but this is the only way I can get to you. I miss you so much already. I know you want nothing to do with me right now, and I understand that. I'm sorry for what happened. I'm sorry for putting you in inpatient, but it's the only way I could guarantee you'd be alive.
I'm terrified to lose you. I can't sleep without you. I know it's been months since we've been in the same bed, but I still can't sleep. I know we may never share a bed again, but I'd rather do that than bury you.
I know it's hard to understand that I did this because I love you, and because I care about you. I'm not asking you to forgive me, or to understand why I did what I did right now. I just hope one day you realize how much I care about you.
You are my favorite person on this earth. You're my favorite person to talk to, to be with, to love. I remember telling Andrea about how easy it is to love you before we had even said those words to eachother.
If you still want a divorce, I can handle that. It's the last thing I want, honestly, but I could handle it if it means you're better off. I know you don't want to see me, so I am not going to visit until you are ready. When you are, write me back, call me, whatever works.
I love you, and I want to keep fighting for us. You are my everything, Maya. You are perfect to me no matter what. Remember that.
Ti Amo Bambina,
Carina

As my therapist reads our her letter, I cant help but break down. It's all over the place. She's hurting, and I did this to her. I hurt my wife.

"Maya how are you feeling?" She asks, almost as if she didn't just hear the note. "How do you think I feel?" I snap back at her. "It's okay to be angry, Maya." She says, taking a deep breath.

"I'm not angry im.. I'm.. I don't know." I say, my leg bouncing uncontrollably. "Are you feeling anxious?" She asks me, making me roll my eyes. "I'm always anxious. I just hurt my wife, and I need to make it better so I can get out of here." I say.

"Maya that's not why you're in here, and you know that. What happened with your wife is a result of why you're here, but carina didn't put you here because of that." She says. The words hit deep inside me.

I can't reply, I can't think, I can't do anything. I hurt Carina. And I made it worse when she was trying to help. I made it worse when all she wanted was for me to get better.

"Maya?" My therapist says, shaking me out of my thoughts. "We're almost out of time, but I have this for you." She says, handing me a clipboard with carinas letter and a piece of paper on it. Therapy homework?

"I want you to fill this out tonight, and come back with it tomorrow so we can talk, okay?" She says. I nod my head, looking up and down the questions. "Do you want me to set up a phone time for you so you can call carina?" She asks. "No. I can't hurt her again. Not when I'm like this." I reply, wiping tears from my cheeks.

I sit at my desk staring at the blank sheet of paper. I don't have anything to write. I don't know how I feel, and I don't understand it.

"When did your anxiety start? What's your first memory of being anxious?" It reads. I could write about my dad, and about running, but I don't want to. I don't want to talk about it but I have to.

"When did you realize you couldn't take care of yourself anymore?" I read. Is right now a good answer? "What is your goal before you leave?".

The last question stumps me. My goal is to leave. I leave it blank, hoping something will come to me before my appointment tomorrow.

It's hard to sleep here, the beds are creaky and uncomfortable. The walls are peeling and the floorboards creak with every move. The sheets are scratchy, the pillows are plastic. I feel so alone here.

I pull my sweatshirt close to my face, inhaling the familiar scent of carina. The things I would do to go back to the way things were. To wake up next to her, to have breakfast and just be in her presence. I didn't even know I was crying, but I feel the tears fall down my cheeks.

My goal is to be better. To be better for her, and for myself. Because when I'm with her, I am the best version of myself. She brings out the light in me, and I can't believe I let myself put out her light.