5150

The reply

Carinas pov

I walk into my office and set my stuff down. As I reach into my desk for my scrubs, I see a letter neatly placed on top of my files. Her handwriting. I miss every part of her. My heart drops thinking about opening it. I don't know if I can handle hearing what she says.

I put it in my purse, and go about my day. I know I couldn't read it at work, it would break me. My patients are important to me, and I can't let me mind be wandering elsewhere.

I finally get home, putting my shoes neatly next to hers at the apartment. It takes me a while to open it, but eventually I do. I unfold the letter, and start reading.

Carina,

This is hard to write. I never thought I'd be at a point where my only way to communicate my thoughts to you was in a letter, but I know I couldn't hear your voice on the phone. If I did, I want to forget all this and run home to you. I know that's not what we need, or what I need.

I've been meeting with my therapist every day here. I know I always told you I didn't need therapy, but the truth is I very much did. I hated it at first, but it's getting easier. I never learned how to deal with my emotions in a safe way. I always thought the solution was to run and cause myself pain, to make my issues go away. That only made them worse.

My therapist says it's from my father, but I haven't been home in years. I know it's something wired in my brain, but I'm working to break down those walls. I'm working on being better.

I'm sorry. You never deserved to be treated the way I treated you. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me, easily. You are my gold medal, you are my finish line. I know I did, but I never meant to hurt you.

I don't want you to be angry with yourself, or angry with anyone other than me. No one at the station, or the hospital was responsible for what I did to you or what I did to myself. I was terrible to everyone, and for that I cannot apologize enough.

I hope you're holding up okay. I mean, as okay as you can be. I love you, and all I want is for you to be happy. If that means you burn this letter and never talk to me again, I understand. If it means you take a step back, I understand that. Take care of yourself first, we can talk about us when I'm back home.

Please check on Andy, I'm worried about her.

With love,
Maya

My hands are trembling and my cheeks are soaked with tears by the time I end reading. I don't know how to feel. I miss her and I want her back, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid of losing her, but I need to protect my self.

Before I know it I'm knocking on Andy's door. I don't expect an answer, not after what I said to her. She opens the door and after one look at me, she says "come here", her arms open. I walk into her house and collapse into her arms. The tears start again, and at this point I don't know if they'll ever stop.

"I'm sorry" I say, pulling away from her now tear stained shirt. "Don't apologize Carina, I can't imagine how you're feeling." She replies. "Do you want to talk over a glass of wine?" She asks. I nod my head yes.

"I'm sorry for taking everything out on you the other day in my office, that wasn't fair." I say, sipping my wine. "I could've tried harder to help her. It probably wouldn't have worked but I should've done it anyways. You were right." Andy replies. I didn't expect that, especially out of her.

"She sent me a letter, she's worried about you." I say, "are you okay?" I add. "She's a worrier. I'm okay. What did she say to you?" She asks. "Mostly that she understands if I want to leave, and she apologized for how she treated me. She does seem to be getting better, she's been making progress in therapy." I reply.

"I don't think she ever meant to hurt you, I've never seen that woman love anything more than you." Andy says. "I don't think she realizes there's a difference between what you mean to do and what happens." I reply.

One glass of wine turns into more, and eventually I can feel a wave of tiredness wash over me. Andy yawns, standing up. "Can I crash on your couch?" I ask, standing up. "Nonsense, I have a king sized bed, and no one else to share it with. Come on." She says, waving me upstairs.

I can't seem to fall asleep, but neither can she. I can't stop thinking about how Mayas all alone. Sleeping alone, waking up alone, going through her day alone. "She's gonna be okay. Now get some sleep" Andy whispers, she's right. There's nothing staying awake is going to do to help her now.

I shut my eyes, imagining her coming back to me, something I personally can't wait to see. It's going to be strange, but I just need to see her face.