5150

Feeling worse to get better

Carinas pov

Mayas been in inpatient for a week today, and I haven't heard from her yet. I know she might never forgive me, and that sting will never go away. I cannot stop thinking about her. I wish she would've let me in so I could've helped. I wish I could've held her and told her everything was going to be okay.

"Morning DeLuca." Bailey says, handing me a coffee. "Grazie" I say holding the warm cup in my hands. "How are you doing?" She asks, flipping through files. "I'm okay." I reply, taking a deep breath. "You'd tell me if you weren't, right?" She replies. I nod my head yes before heading to my office.

I have no appointments today, so it's going to be pretty light. All I want is a distraction, something to do so I don't have to think about how my wife is in a facility all alone, hating me. I hear a knock at my door, "come in" I say.

I pick up my head and see Andy, she's holding flowers. "What are you doing here?" I say, looking back at my papers. "I came to see how you were doing." She says, setting the flowers on my desk. "You couldn't have done that for Maya at anytime within the past year?" I reply, pushing the flowers back to her.

"Carina you know how Maya gets it's.. its hard to help someone who doesn't want help.". I take a deep breath before answering, trying not to let the Italian come out. "All you had to do was say something. Show her you were there for her, invite her over, show her you care. That's all you had to do." I reply.

"She knew I cared." Andy replies, snapping at me. "She didn't. She didn't know anyone from the station cared if she lived or died, and frankly, I don't know either. She almost killed herself multiple times and none of you did anything about it. She drained herself of everything for you guys, and you couldn't give her a minute of your time? Its.. it's ridiculous."

Andy takes a step back, "I know you're mad at your wife, but this isn't our fault." She says. I stand up, pointing at the door. "Get out". "Carina that's not what I meant.." she starts but i cut her off. "Get out" I tell, tears beginning to fall down my face.

She leaves and I collapse on my chair, tears streaming down my face. I can't control the wave of guilt, sadness, and longing for my life back. I miss my wife.

Mayas pov

"Maya it's okay to cry" my therapist says as I continue writing my letter to carina. "I miss my wife." I whisper, I can barely speak. The tears I've been choking back start spilling down my face. "I'm sure she misses you too. You've made a lot of progress already. She's proud of you." She replies.

I finish up the letter as we sit in silence. "Okay, do you want to read it together?" She asks. I shake my head no, I don't think I could hear the words I said out loud and not break down again. "Did you fill out the sheet I gave you?" She asks, I nod and pull it out from my bag.

We talked about running mostly, how much I love it and hate it at the same time. It's an important part of my life, it's what brought me here. I thought by now I'd be itching to go for a run, but I'm not. I don't want to see a treadmill, I don't want to think about running.

"I'm not saying you have to stop running, I don't want you to do that. I think it's important though that you really analyze your relationship with it, and think about why you're doing it. If it's to stay in shape, or maybe even to clear your head that's great. If it's to ignore your problems or to feel physical pain, that's not okay."

I try to respond but can't seem to think of what to say. "Did you ever do that? Run to purposefully feel pain?" She asks. I nod my head. I never thought of it that way, I always thought pain meant I was getting better. But running on broken ankles and through muscle strains just to hurt? That wasn't making me any better.

"I guess I didn't realize I was doing it." I finally say, I sigh, "I mean, I knew it was hurting I just thought I deserved the pain." I add. "Maya, no one deserves pain. No one deserves to hurt. No matter what, you didn't deserve that." She replies.

"I did it to myself, it's not like running was hurting anyone else." I reply, biting my cheek out of nervousness. "Would you run if it meant it would hurt carina physically?" She asks, "fuck no, I would never do anything to hurt her. She doesn't deserve that." I reply quickly. "Then why is it okay to do it to yourself?" She answers.

Her words ring out in my head while I try to sleep. She wants me to try and re-wire my brain to think about myself differently. She wants me to care about myself & well-being, which is something I guess I have never done. It's hard.

I hold my station sweatshirt up to my face, it still smells like carina. I won't wash it here, I can't. I miss her so much.