Vacillate

1: Summer (Emi)

1: Summer

How are you suppose to feel when you see your boyfriend obviously flirting with another girl? I knew if I spoke up he would complain that I was insecure and that I need to better my self confidence. I didn't want to hear it so I simply turned away.

"Alright, let's go." Yuuto finally said as he lightly slapped my shoulder. I can't help but feel like he sometimes treats me like his little sister in public instead of his girlfriend.

"What was that about?" I asked trying to sound cool with it.

"Oh she was just asking if me and Touma will be performing over the summer." Yuuto and his brother Touma are in a band together called YT which has been mistaken for YouTube almost every single time. Yuuto sings whilst Touma plays the guitar. I love their music ever since I first heard Yuuto sing. I guess that was when I fell in love.

"Ah okay." I said as I got into his passenger's seat.

I watched as he got in the drivers and he shifts his eyes from left to right and his jaw clenched meaning he's annoyed with what I had just asked. I held my breath.

"Dude, why are you always so fucking jealous? Can I not talk to girls or what?" He said with a angry tone to his voice.

"I was just curious." I said in a small whisper. "Sorry."

He grabs the steering wheel and his knuckles turned white as he roughly pulls out of the parking lot.

"Quit that shit, it's annoying." He drove aggressively and the rest of the car ride was an awkward silence. Yuuto isn't a terrible person. He has never laid his hands on me, but he surely isn't the same guy I fell in love with in high school.

We were supposed to hang out after class, but he just dropped me off without another word. He didn't even wait until I was inside my apartment as he sped off. I felt a heavy heart. It was never this way.

-

Later that night I laid in bed thinking of our relationship and how it all started. It was pure bliss and puppy love as one would say.

Me and Yuuto met in high school of our second year when I decided to join the cheerleading squad. He noticed me right away since I was the new student. My father passed away due to cancer and my mother wanted a change. She didn't want to live in the same house let alone city of where her and my father shared fond memories so she moved us. I didn't mind since I didn't have any friend in my old school anyway.

"You must be the new girl?" Yuuto said as he approached with his guy friends. They all had that creepy grin as if being close to a girl is a once in a lifetime experience.

"I am. My name is Emi." I said with a shy smile.

"I can show you around if you like?" He smiled and the rest was history.

He would always write me notes and stuff them in my locker. He would skip lunch and even buy lunch for me when I had forgotten mine. He even offered to walk me home everyday. I guess I was falling for him due to how much I thought about him.

I didn't have any friends. Sadly he was my only friend. I always hung around him and his male friends. I sometimes wish I had a female friend so I can girl talk with them. It just wasn't the same with guys.

During the end of my second year I lost my virginity to him. He didn't pressure me and that made me want to give it to him all the more. He was the first boy I introduce to my mother. He was the first kiss, first love, first almost everything. I felt I hit the jackpot until I didn't.

Things started to go downhill once we moved in together our first year of college. He was a music major and I was a science major. Our schedules didn't exactly line up, but we had nights together and that was what was important.

We used to have a lot to say until we had only a few spoken words to each other. He always used to ask about my day when now he doesn't. Sometimes he is out all the time and doesn't tell me what is up. The only thing that still stays the same is our intimacy. We would still have sex three times a week. Sometimes I am almost repulse by it. It always feels like I am sleeping with a stranger.

Maybe it is me I would always think. Maybe I should lose weight. Maybe I should be funnier. Maybe I should wear more makeup. I tried all of that and the results yielded a way I didn't expect. He would say I am too skinny, that my jokes are lame, and that I look like a clown with all that makeup.

Maybe I am just too dependent on Yuuto being my only source of entertainment and condolence. Maybe I need to branch out and find friends and then maybe he will love me like he did once upon a time.

I got up and looked through my phone for jobs since it is the summertime. I don't have a car but maybe I can save up for a bike or take the subway. I scrolled through my phone and found a job that caught my eye. A bookstore cashier. I can do that. I filled out the online application and held the phone to my chest for good luck.

I peeked over at the clock and saw it was midnight. I heard shuffling and a door opening. Yuuto came home way late again. I quickly turned off the light and pretended to sleep. I could feel him slip into bed without saying a word.

To Be Continued