Vacillate

11: Past (Riku)

11: Past

I didn't know what I was doing at the time. My girlfriend was dying and all I could do was watch. She had cistic fibrosis in her teenage years and she had to reside primarily at the hospital. I visited as often as I could by taking the bus at the time, but no matter how many times I visited, she wasn't going to get better.

"Riku, don't be sad." She said weakly as she touched my face. I held her delicate hand in mine and held in my tears. I never cried in front of her. I knew if we were both sad it wouldn't help her state of mind. I always tried to appear happy around her because that was what she wanted from me.

"I'll miss you." I said knowing her time was ending sooner than I thought. She has been having more and more episodes that she has to permanently stay at the hospital or she will die.

"Don't say that." She started crying.

I stared at the necklace she wore. It was just some random swirly symbol that we drew together. We made up some game where we each would draw a random line and combine it. She decided to make that symbol into a necklace she wore everywhere. Instead I just got a tattoo of it on my neck. I knew she would stay with me forever.

"I'm sorry." I said as I watched her heart monitor. It was slowly flatlining. "I'm sorry."

She cried heavily but she was too weak to sob. I watched the waterfall spill from her graying eyes.

-

I held Emi in my arms as she cried. I shook a bit myself because this moment reminded me of when I had first heard of my girlfriend's diagnosis. I couldn't cry or wanted to. I didn't know how to fix anything.

"Hey don't cry please." I rubbed her back. I waited until she stopped quivering and I stepped back. "I'm sorry if that was not appropriate. I don't know how to handle sadness."

"It's okay." She said as she wiped her eyes. "Stuff just happened in the family."

"Maybe you should go home and take it easy today. If you ever want to talk about it I can after work."

She looked at me hesitantly and nodded.

I unlocked the door and we left it together. I saw Ayame staring at both of us. Emi looked uncomfortable and went to set down something at the front desk. She grabbed her belongings and left.

"What happened?" Ayame said looking hurt.

"I don't know." I sighed.

"Did you hurt her. Are you guys seeing each other?" She glared.

"No I'm not. What is your problem." I rolled my eyes.

"You know how I feel!" She yelled.

I went to the store door and locked it and flipped the close sign. I was not in the mood to deal with all this today.

"Ayame, if you can't respect that I am not interested then I suggest you quit." I fisted.

She looked hurt.

"How can you say that?! You told me we could still be friends and see where it goes."

"Stop twisting my words. I told you I'll still be your friend and see how life goes moving forward."

"Why are you so mean? Can't you see I care more than anyone?!" She cried.

"Go home. I'm closing early today." I went to grab the keys and she grabbed my arm.

"Please don't leave me hanging like you always do."

"I won't. Ayame, I don't have romantic feelings for you and you're fired."

-

I went home feeling shitty. It was never a pleasant experience working with Ayame. Maybe I made a severe mistake by firing her, but being around me was doing her more harm than good. It was just an endless cycle. I poured myself a drink and sat down closing my eyes and leaning my head back on the couch.

-

"So what do you want to do if we go on a date? You want seafood?" I asked Ayame. She had been bugging me to give her a try so I did. I was trying to move forward from the death of my girlfriend and I figured this could be a step forward.

"Ew nah I really love Chinese food though." She smiled. Unfortunately I hated Chinese food, but I tolerated it.

I couldn't deny that the conversation was very dull. There was a lot of moments where she would just stare at me and smile. It got under my skin in a bad way after hours of that.

"Why do you like me?" I asked her.

"Because you're cool, kind, and I just like you." She smiled.

I knew those answers were very generic. It just wasn't working out and I didn't know how to tell her.

I was too much of a coward to cut things off. We went to eat and afterwards she kept insisting she come over my place. I had just recently moved into a small apartment so boxes were lining the walls. The only furniture was the bed and she blushed and asked if she could stay the night. I knew where this would lead if it did. It wasn't that she wasn't a beautiful girl. I just didn't have a connection no matter how much I tried.

I remember that I kept postponing wrapping up the night by offering drinks and food, but she wasn't buying it, and we eventually laid in bed together.

She had me on my back as she straddled me. She thought putting a blindfold using her scarf was a sexy thing to do. As she rode and grind on me I could just hear her moan. It felt nice and I knew my body loved the sensation. However, where there was pleasure there was pain. It felt like a bunch of bullets striking me all at once. I have not once cried during my girlfriend's sickness, but at that moment I cried into the blind fold. I miss her so fucking badly.

To Be Continued