What's Said in Silence

Vessel-XIX

I had been under a long-lived impression that I simply could not feel desire for another human being once Sleep came to me. If only because I had raveled myself up in the deity and allowed her to consume everything in me, with the exception of my pain. It seemed that was the only thing I was worthy of feeling. 

That is, until Sera came in. Desire wasn't strong enough to describe what she made me feel. From day one, I acted like an obsessive lunatic. Even now, as I lay here parallelized, I can't bring myself to feel remorse for my actions. No matter how harsh the punishment will be. 

My limbs were secured to the floor by invisible vice grips. Sleep hovered just above me. Her white hair flowed as if we were submerged in the Atlantic, coiling against the wings on the side of her face. Her solid white eyes pierced through my soul and I could feel her own anger rising within me. She was captivating, but in a deadly sense. 

She had ensnared me all those years ago, and while sometimes I feel as if she may only be here to torture me, I can't bring myself to let her go. I had succumbed to her every whim no matter the destruction it could have on me, my body, or my soul. At one point, I may have even loved her. However, servitude is typically a one-way path on a double-edged sword.

She stretched a long slender arm towards me, hovering an open palm right above my chest. Her sharp talons threatened to sink into my flesh. 

"Am I right to assume you have given this to another?" She asks in that hypnotic voice. I shake my head 'no'. "Then why is it that you allow such distractions to consume your thoughts?" I didn't answer. She was being gentle with me for now, but one wrong word and she'd tear me limb from limb. It was best to just keep quiet. "Perhaps it is not your heart nor your mind that you're focusing with." Her hand trails down to my belt line and her talons elongated.   

My breathing escalated as a new fear rose within me. I had to remind myself that this was a mere nightmare, realistic as it may be, and whatever pain I suffer here will be a mere scar when I awaken. Still, the potential pain that she could inflict on me was terrifying. 

"I should castrate you here and now for your continued defiance." Her tone was laced with venomous intentions even as her voice softened. "However, I could not damage my Vessel in such a way." She retracted her hand and I nearly sighed with relief, but the tension in my muscles lingered.  

She placed her hand on my bicep, gripping the flesh. The skin where she gripped me began to grow warm. It grew hotter and hotter until it was burning. It was as if I was slowly being branded. I grit my teeth as an involuntary groan escaped from me. 

"She cannot offer you anything. She will only bring you distraction." She said sternly. "Do not be fooled into thinking that she is capable of caring for you. You are not capable of being cared for. Never forget that I am the only one that can offer you prosperity and you are nothing without me. You are nothing without the mask I have gifted you. Everything that you are belongs to me. Your mind and body. Your voice and soul. Everything is mine." She released me just as a scream tore from my throat.

I am nothing... Incapable of receiving love... I am nothing... Unworthy of affection... I am nothing... I am nothing... I am nothing...

A smile spread across my deity's beautiful face. "It pleases me to know that you understand." She placed her hand on my chest, a warmth beginning to spread and I braced myself for the impending pain.  "Do not disappoint me again." Her threatening whisper sent a shiver down my spine and I nodded my head in understanding. The warmth from her palm dissipated.   

My eyes sprung open and the invisible force that once held me to the floor was gone. I sat up and felt my arm and chest for any signs of her abuse. When I found none, I sighed heavily. I glanced at the alarm clock on my bedside table. It was five-thirty in the morning and I was overcome with the urge to get some work done. 

I rose to my feet and stalked over to my desk. I picked my mask up and slung it onto my face and donned my cloak. I slathered on some of my paint without any real care before pulling the chair out and sitting in front of my keyboard. I hesitated only a moment, considering that my instrument may wake Sera, then striking the keys anyways. Her sleeping patterns are none of my concern.   

After playing a few different melodies for a while I finally settled on one. I played my slowed rendition of 'Hey Ya'. I felt my voice catch on the word 'loves' in the first lyric and tears prickled my eyes, but I continued on. As I sang, my voice rose from near whisper into full volume. 

"Don't try to fight the feelin' because the thought alone is killin' me right now," The tears slipped free and before I knew it I was half singing, half sobbing. 

I had disappointed her, even after I had said I wouldn't. I had followed my own selfish desires for someone that may not even have the capacity to want me in the same way. I had betrayed my deity for a woman that had refused me once before. 

Incapable of being loved... Unworthy... Disappointing... 

I lost focus. I lost control. I failed. 

Nothing... I am nothing without her...  

That is precise, my dearest Vessel, you are nothing without me.