What's Said in Silence

Vessel-XXXIII

The door clicked softly as I released the handle. The quiet of my room was so dense it was like stepping into molasses, which was fine, it would help me sleep better. It was nearly four in the morning and I had to be up at seven. 

I wasn't irritated in the slightest, but exhaustion was starting to take its toll and I feared how I might perform sleep deprived. I had waited for Sera to fall asleep before slipping out of her room. I hadn't wanted to leave her side but also hadn't wanted to run the risk of someone barging in on us if they couldn't find me in a few short hours. 

I let my cloak slip off of my shoulders and fall to the floor before lifting my exhausted arms to take my mask off, only it didn't budge. I pushed harder with the heel of my palm. Nothing, like it was permanently melded to my face. 

Panic began to rise in my chest as irrational thoughts flew through my mind. I scratched at the edges of the mask, trying to find anywhere to slip my fingers underneath with no such luck. Claustrophobia set in as the mask tightened itself down onto my face and goosebumps scattered across my skin as all my hairs stood on edge from the cold biting my skin. 

Suddenly, the worst pain I'd ever experienced erupted in my chest. It was like I had been stabbed with a dulled knife and the force wielding it had decided to twist, slowly and tortuously. The pain was blinding and I couldn't hold myself upright anymore. My knees hit the floor with a loud thud, but the pain I should have felt from the fall was nothing by comparison to my heart being ripped apart.

Do you not love me, dearest Vessel?

The sadness in her voice almost made me forget that she was the one inflicting so much pain on me. If I could focus clearly, I might have thought I detected a catch in her voice, like a hiccup of a woman sobbing for hours on end. I began to lose my equilibrium and bile rose in my throat. I braced one hand on the nearby dresser while keeping the other clutched to my chest.

You loved me once before, now another has garnered your affections.

Her voice carried the weight of a thousand heartbreaks, so heavy that even the coldest of men would feel sympathy. I was not cold by any means, but I knew her well by now. This was nothing more than a ploy to toy with my emotions. 

What had started as a symbiotic relationship between me and this deity, now was nothing more than her wanting to use me as her plaything. Now that I had gone out of my way to defy her, she was throwing her tantrum. 

Vessel, darling Vessel, do you not love me?

"I serve you." I answered, trying to avoid the repeating question. My truthful answer would only enrage her and she was baiting me. The stabbing pain relented for a moment only to be replaced with a much more excruciating constriction. All the oxygen was squeezed out of my chest like a vice grip. 

You do not love me. You've let the distraction of another come between us.

"Our relationship is that of servitude," I managed to wheeze out. "I gather masses  together in your worship in return for the prosperity you bring me. I have still held my end of the bargain. Even when I have chosen to let my humanity loose, I have still served." 

You loved me for a time.

"I did not," I argued back, deciding that she won't be placated with euphemistic reasons. "I loved what you could do for me, just as you loved the entertainment you got from manipulating me, but you didn't love me." The constriction was released and I sucked in a starved breath. I had expected her to make me beg for death after such an admission, this was new. 

I do love you, my darling Vessel. 

The impact of her words hit me with the force of a collapsing mountain. I hadn't realized how desperately I had wanted to hear that phrase, and for so long. Perhaps this way of life has left me wanting more than just sexual satisfaction. My eyes prickled as a tear slipped from them. 

Realization hit. I wanted love. I wanted to be loved. Not for my talents or what I could offer, but for the very breath I breathed. The tears fell in multitudes as I was overcome with a new emotion. As I sobbed, a warmth cascaded over my skin, as if the supernatural force was cloaking herself around me... comforting me.

"I- I want to be lo-loved." I stuttered between sobs. Vocalizing it only made the reality of my situation that much more unbearable. I couldn't be loved as the man I was behind the mask, I could only be given love superficially. Which was unfair, both to the person that made the mistake of trying to love me, and for me, because superficial love would never be satisfying enough. 

I will love you, all I ask is that you love me, only me.

The mask loosened and fell to the floor. She was relenting only because she was under the impression that she had won, another manipulation tactic to reel me back in. In comparison to what I just learned about myself, her manipulation attempt was hardly upsetting. 

"I want to be loved," I cleared my throat before swiping my hands across my face and under my nose, slowly regaining my composure. I took a deep breath before continuing, "but, I don't want to be loved by you."

The temperature began to drop again, she was gearing up to make an example of me once more for insulting her in such a way. She could do as she pleased in that regard, I had grown accustomed to it.

"Supernatural love is nothing short of painful. It's selfish and typically falls in favor of the one wielding the power." I gritted my teeth as the pain in my chest returned ten-fold. "I want to be loved in the most human sense of the concept." 

You choose the illusion of love from that deceptive woman over the love I could offer you?

When I made no move to answer her question, she spread the pain throughout my entire body. I ground my teeth harder to keep any sounds of agony from coming out. I refused to give her such satisfaction, not when I was just starting to regain my sense of self- my own identity.

If Sera could, or even would, offer me love, I would gladly take it. As of now, though, I was undeserving of it. It was impossible, anyway. She wouldn't be able to love me as anyone other than the man I had shown her. 

Unless I choose to show her more than what I show the rest of the world.