What's Said in Silence

Sera-XXXII

The red swirls of the mask felt smooth under my finger as I traced them. It was the only thing my body would allow me to do in the current moment, given the way we had exhausted ourselves. Time seemed irrelevant as we lay there, tangled together, letting our fingertips roam as they pleased.  

A strand of hair slipped down in front of my eyes. He brushed it away gently, as if not to disturb the peaceful waters we've found ourselves in. He began to hum, and though I hadn't heard the melody in weeks, I recognized it immediately. 

"It was written for you, you know." He said, his voice still slightly husky. I shook my head, unbelieving that something so beautiful could be about me. Besides, at the time he started writing it we had hardly known each other. 

"It's true." He curled his fingers under my chin, gently stroking his thumb across my jaw. "In fact, it is a truth, my truth. You've had me drawn into your flames from the moment you looked at me." His truth. A tidal wave of guilt came crashing down on me, and it was everything I could do not to let it show. A truth was something I wanted to give him, but simply couldn't. 

"I'm used to seeing a strange look in peoples eyes when they see me, but you," He continued, unknowingly driving the knife further. "you looked at me differently. I couldn't pick out the emotion in your eyes but I could feel your intensity, your ferocity, and it intrigued me. It still does, little fox." 

There it was. It wasn't just a truth he was giving me, he was giving me a piece of him. He was opening up the door to true intimacy and vulnerability. Though, it was not a confession of love by any stretch of the imagination, and somehow that gave me some solace. 

I kept my heart locked up more so than I did my voice. It was the only way I could've kept myself from becoming completely heartless all those years ago, given the conditions I was in the majority of the time. My only way of preserving any amount of humanity was to lock my heart away and swallow the key. Though everyday, I could feel the internal damage that it caused and it was going to bleed out of me one day.

"Darlin'," He said, bringing my mind back to the present. "I don't know what wars you wage in that mind of yours, but I do know that the battlefield of the mind is always the bloodiest. If you find yourself needing a sword, you only need to ask." 

With that, he rolled onto his back and craned his head towards the alarm clock on the nightstand. I peeked as well, not surprised to find it was just past two in the morning. We had to be up in five hours for what I assume is going to be a very long and fast paced day. He flopped his head back on the pillow with a sigh. 

"I'll have to go back to my own room soon." I tried to ignore the ache in my heart those words caused. I shouldn't have expected him to stay the night with me, especially if no one else was aware of what we were. 

It dawned on me that I didn't even know what we were. This was too serious for us to be 'fuck buddies', but at the same time just casual enough not to be an item. I decided I didn't want to question it and just enjoy these moments as they were, if only because I didn't want to constantly fear the inevitable end. 

His chest began to shake and a breathy chuckle slipped through his toothy grin. Was I just now noticing how beautiful his smile was? "Not that they will," He said between chuckles, "but if the government asks, this counts as a paid holiday."  His chuckles grew into a mild fit of laughter so contagious I felt my own lips turning upward. 

Soon my grin had consumed my entire face and my cheeks began to ache but I couldn't stop. My own body began to shake and my stomach began to hurt from the silent laughter. It just went to show just how ridiculous our situation had become, and what's more is he didn't realize how much this 'paid holiday' could potentially be saving my life. 

My stomach cramped from how hard I tried to fight the giggles that threatened to spill out of me. It wasn't until I wiped a tear from my eye that I realized he was no longer laughing. Rather, he had sat up on one arm looking down at me with that award-winning grin.

"Just when I thought I had seen peak beauty," He pulled me closer to him and rolled us to where I was on my back and he was hovering just above me. "Let me see it, again." He said softly, cradling my head in his hand. My brows knitted together, slightly confused at what he was asking. "Your smile, Sera. Let me see it." He clarified. 

It had been so long since I smiled, since I had felt the need or want to, but this man had brought it out of me. The gentle tone in his commands combined with the way his thumb rubbed my temple made me want to give him anything he asked for. 

I allowed myself to grin up at him. His reaction was that of awe, like he had discovered what the stars looked like for the first time. My smile grew more genuine as we fed into each others energy. 

It occurred to me that his wavelength ran parallel to mine. Our amplitudes matched perfectly with each crest and trough. We shared a frequency all of our own, indistinguishable to the rest of the world. However, there is one blip in my wavelength that could disrupt our flow. 

He had given me a truth, but I could not offer him the same fairness.