What's Said in Silence

Vessel-XXXXXXVII

We'd made it to the venue with just enough time for a very rushed rehearsal. I'd given Sera until the absolute last minute to change her mind. Everyone else had flown out here three days ago to get used to the time change, which I was currently suffering from. I still had reservations about her coming with me to the states so soon, but she had stood firm in her decision. 

I scanned the darkened pit in front of the stage. Several security guards were lined along the edge of the stage with their backs to me. Something about that should have put my mind at ease but I wasn't naive enough to believe that they were actually keeping an eye out for Sera. Hell, I couldn't keep my eyes on her no matter how hard I tried. That woman's persistent need to prove that she can handle herself was going to be the catalyst to my impending heart attack.

III came up and tapped my shoulder, ripping me from my futile search. The music that had begun playing finally registered in my mind. Shit, I had completely missed my cue for 'Higher'. I focused on the already playing backing track and found where I should have been before jumping into it, refusing to acknowledge what had happened.

As meticulous as I have been about my performances and here I was slipping up like some untrained novice. The one and only slip I've had before this hadn't gone unnoticed by Sleep and she had made sure that it wouldn't happen again. 

She wouldn't allow anything but perfection from her representative, her mouth piece into this world should be void of any blemishes if she were to succeed in gaining the beliefs she sought. That one mistake had cost me. I hadn't been allowed to sleep for days, singing every song I had written until my voice had grown hoarse and my throat had felt like I'd swallowed a hot branding iron. 

Canceling rituals, slipping lyrics, and having not put out a new song in months was beginning to make for an unsavory blend of my shortcomings. I was teetering on a dangerous edge, one that would cost me everything that I'd worked for. I looked to my band mates, each one lost in their own devices and theatrics to really take notice of me. It would cost them everything they've helped me build.

I could handle my own failure, accept my own fate no matter how damned my soul was, but not them. I couldn't fail my brothers who had been with me from the beginning, the men that had stood by me when I had given them some- but not all- of the details for the supernatural I'd entangled myself with. They hadn't run, hadn't tossed me in a psych ward. No, they'd accepted the massive favor I'd asked of them.

And now I was failing them.

The song came to a close and the interlude came over the speakers. We all filed off the stage to grab some water and cool off. I pulled a bottle of water out from a container filled with ice and held it to the side of my neck, but it did little to aid the relentless pounding of my heart. My head swiveled around, scanning the mix of stand hands and techs. None of which were who I was hoping to find. Where was she?

"You alright?" II came up and asked. I just nodded my head in response. Truth was, I wasn't, but I had no choice but to be. Perhaps it wasn't that I thought Sera wasn't ready to tour again, but that I wasn't. I shook the thought from my mind. 

A soft hand latched on to my fingers and I turned to find the pair of blue fire eyes that I'd desperately been searching for. I threaded my fingers through hers as if trying to secure her in place to keep her from disappearing into the darkness, though we both had to go back out there eventually. Still, the momentary relief that flooded my body was worth every second. II made his way back to the group, leaving us to have a moment to ourselves. I brought the back of her hand to my lips before asking, "Where have you been all night?"

She made a sweeping gesture with her hand in response as if to say everywhere. I cocked my head to the side, trying to sort out the puzzle of a woman in front of me. She'd been so quiet since we landed, even when everyone had rushed her to welcome her back. 

At my obvious confusion and curiosity she turned her gaze behind me, slightly lifting her chin. I followed it to where the boys and the rest of the crew were standing, all in a group but paired off in different conversations. I turned back to her and her lips thinned into an apologetic smile. So quickly everything became clear.

"No one will take any offense if you choose not to speak, especially not me." I whispered as if this were our little secret. In a way it was, I hadn't told the rest of the group that she was verbal and apparently she wanted to keep it that way for the time being. 

My cue came that it was time to get back on stage, I had only a few more seconds with her. Blood roared in my ears at the though of her disappearing from view again. Being in separate rooms at home had the same effect on me in the first days of her being home, this was just going to take longer to get accustomed to again. I curled a finger under her chin and lifted her up to kiss me. It was a quick kiss but the intention, the longing, was there nonetheless. I felt it and I knew she felt it, too.

While my heart pounded throughout the rest of the performance, I managed to make it through without any more slips. Still though, that one shouldn't have ever happened. I needed to figure out how to get my mind where it needed to be, or at the very least learn to separate the stage from reality. That alone would be a difficult task when the most important thing to me was now involved in both. 

After it was over, we stayed back for a while to help clean up the stage. Our crew were just as exhausted as the rest of us and I didn't want them here later than necessary. We had a lot of back to back shows on this tour and we had to head to the next city tonight. Though, I wasn't a big fan of using the bus, it was the best means of travel since we would have to be on the next stage in less than twenty-four hours.

Sera helped Sam pack up the drum set while I helped move some of the bigger pieces of equipment. I refrained from speaking to anyone for the two hours that it took to pack everything up. With this many shows this close together, vocal rest after each one was important. In a way, I could better understand how Sera lived life this way, inconvenient but not impossible.

Once everything was packed up and ready to go we got onto the tour bus. One tour bus for the crew and one for us, this helped with spacing issues. Though when we got onto the bus one thing was obvious, four bed slots and five of us. These beds were not known for being the most spacious but could fit two just the same. 

I rested my chin on Sera's shoulder and wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her flush against me before whispering in her ear, "It's going to be a tight squeeze, my love."