Career Driven Woman

Chappter 22

To say the last few of weeks has been hell is an understatement. I'd been through a break up and I had to terminate a pregnancy. I wasn't actually sure if I was okay or whether I had really just mentally checked out of this entire thing.

But still I pushed on. I went back to work and tried to pretend like nothing happened. Of course Lottie knew what was happening. I later told El who was beside herself when she heard.

But still I wasn't going to let any of this get me down. Instead I was going to run away from my problems. It seemed like the most sensible option given the situation.

Lottie thought I was an idiot but nonetheless supported me.

I decided that I was going to make this my time. It was time to put me first. I booked myself into pilates classes and I cut all my hair off into a pixie cut. I started reading more and I focused more on work working back late every night.

Was I slowly killing myself over time? Maybe

Was it deteriorating my mental health? Maybe

Was it healthy? Definitely not

Did I care? Absolutely not

It was weird. What I hated myself for most was the fact that I still loved him. He was an asshole and he accused me of being a gold digger and a cheater but I still loved him. I still wore his goddamn necklace that he bought. I felt awful if I wasn't wearing it. Why was I letting this guy take over my life and he wasn't even here?

As I relaxed on the couch trying to let the TV drown out my thoughts my phone chimed. I checked to see who it was and to my surprise it was Lewis.

Hey are you free for a call? I heard what happened.

I was curious but it would be good to talk to someone else about all my problems other than poor Lottie, who by the way was doing a fantastic job at riding my emotions.

I called him via Instagram.

"Hey Lewis. Long time no chat"

"Hey Saf how you doin?" He asked cheerily down the phone.

"Hey I'm okay" I said laughing leaning back into the couch and putting my feet up. "How are you doing?"

"I'm good I'm good. Uh so Carlos-"

"Carlos told you huh?"

"Um he told me a version of events"

"What did he tell you?"

"That you wouldn't drop everything to be with him and that you're pregnant and he was worried you were only pregnant for the money and that the baby may or may not be his. That's just an abridged version of what I got"

"Well that's what he said yes"

"I figure there's more to the story"

"Yeah"

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"All I will say is that I didn't want to sacrifice my career for him. Yes I was pregnant and yes it was his. I had no intention of using him for his money. I love him"

"Wait. You said was pregnant...."

"Um yeah I lost the baby"

"Saf my god"

"It's okay. It wasn't meant to be. Unfortunately it just didn't implant in my uterus. There's nothing I could have done"

"Saff I'm so sorry"

"It's okay"

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that"

"Hey it is what it is and you know I had Lottie with me. She's been really great"

"Wow"

"Yeah"

"Well I knew there was more than what he was leading on"

"Well".

"So you still love him even after all that?"

"Yep" I sighed "and I hate myself every day for it"

We decided to end that awkward conversation and Lewis asked me about work. I told him about the course I was doing, my role at work, what was happening. He was really happy for me. It felt nice to hear him say that.

We kept talking for a couple hours before I looked at the time. It was getting late and I needed to get to bed. Not that I had anything to do as tomorrow was Saturday but I had been working a lot lately and needed to rest my mind and body. It would be the first time in a long time that I had done that.

"Well you'll have to let me know when you're over here next time in the UK or Europe. We'll hang out properly this time"

I laughed "that sounds good I'm gonna hold you to that"

"It was good to talk to you again Saf"

"It's been good to talk to you Lewis. Say hey to Charlie for me would ya?"

He laughed and told me he would before hanging up.

I got ready for bed brushing my teeth. As I did so I stared at myself into the mirror. It had been a rough few weeks but I needed to get over this. How do you get over someone that you're in love with even though they were horrible to you. Why did I still love him? Why do I still wear this necklace. It doesn't symbolise anything anymore except for what he was.

I decided enough was enough. I was taking things into my own hands. I spat out my toothpaste and rinsed out the toothpaste. I wiped my mouth on my towel before heading to the cupboard rummaging around before finding the small back that the necklace came in. I unclasped it and placed it in the box. I stared at it for a bit before shutting it tight. I wandered back over to the bathroom and opened the cupboard behind the mirror leaving it on the shelf.

As I closed the cupboard I took a deep breath in. Enough. I said to myself breathing out. To be honest I actually felt a weight off my shoulders. It felt good. It felt really good. Feeling content with myself I got cosied into bed and scrolled through Instagram when a news article caught my eye.

I scrolled back through to find it before clicking on it. It was some F1 news page. It was a couple of pictures of Carlos, his arm draped around another woman. I stared at the pictures for a while before exiting the article. I wasn't sure what to feel to be honest. It had only been a few weeks but surely surely he wasn't over me that quick.

Damn. I was making such good progress and I see this shit on my feed. Christ. Just let it go Saf what do you care. I decided to do what any other mature adult would do and that was text the group chat about what I'd seen.

Of course they were livid. They wanted to give him a piece of their minds. I told them it was okay and that I was a mature adult and didn't care anymore.

Well.

That's what I keep telling myself anyways.