Something Mending -- VOL 1

40

Timeline. August, 4, 2:14am.

For now, I belong to you, all parts of me in this endless pursuit of a mythical feeling, but beware, I am fleeting, fastly fading, ephemeral, but for now, I belong to you.

November, last year.
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Okay, this might be cliche and cheesy and dumb, but he is effortlessly beautiful . . .he makes me find religion because I believe God must have made him for me.

December, last year.
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A boy I like told me he loved me last night, and I can't stop thinking about it. Today, I told him I loved him back, here's what I didn't tell him --  I'm scared. Ever since I met you, I've been scared of falling in love, but, here I am, irrevocably in love with you.

I want to say it, scream it loud, yell on a mountain, everybody, I loveee him, but I'm scared, I want to keep you to myself. I'm scared that I'll let myself fully be immersed in you, and I'll lose me, I'm scared you'll leave me, I'm scared you will see how broken I am and leave, I'm afraid I'll be weirder and you'll leave, I'm so scared.

Saying I love you, was the easiest thing for me to say, perhaps I've always been in love with you. I'm scared, baby. I'm scared we'll grow apart, and you'll break me.

It took me a very long time to find myself after she left, I can't stomach the thought of you leaving, it'll kill me. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose myself. I don't know how to love without losing myself -- maybe you'll teach me, teach me how to properly love.

January, 12, 4:04PM
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I think I'm really in love. Like stupidly in love. Like want-to-kiss-him-in-public in love. Like calmly and sweetly in love. Also, like this-hurt-will-wreck-my-soul in love. Fuck.
January, 16, 2:00pm.
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I've been ruminating, trying to understand the emptyness I feel when you leave, that's not love, that's a void that has being with me since I could remember, I don't like how I feel afterwards, I don't think you do too, I think we need to break this up. I love you, but you're going to leave me, so I might as well do it now, self sabotage, wow.

February 13 , 7:33am.
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I don't want to break up with you. I don't think I will ever break up with you, but you could break up with me. I have anxiety, and you don't understand it.

Here's a demonstration - I love you, but I'm not sure I do. You say you love me, but I'm not sure you do. I swear I love you, I want to mold myself into you, but I'm so scared, because I have only loved one person apart from my family before you, and that's her, I sunk my very existence into her, and she wrecked me.

I don't want you to wreck me. I hate the way my body does when it sees you, the chills all over it, perspiration, the stupid shyness, is that love? I also hate the way you act casually to me in class, like Hi Toyosi, and I'll smile, then laugh, maybe even frown, because weren't you just eating me out few days ago, but okay, Hi Daniel.
February 17.  1:57pm.
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"What song describe your relationship?" She asks, and I stare at the crowd, wishing I stayed at home.
I do not have a song that describes my relationship, but I have one that I hope doesn't descsibe my relationship, or the lack thereof. It is Love Me Wrong by Isak Danielson, I don't really know how his name is pronounced.

You see, I hope it doesn't describe and encompasses my relationship, I really hope, because the idea of me asking to be loved wrong if I can't be loved right is diminishing, beneath me, but at the same time -- I am on my knees, kneeling at his feet, all the time, begging for the scraps of affection he can give, breaking and dying daily at his feet, undoing myself everyday, being content with what he can spare, I will take anything you can give, just don't leave me, give me the absolute worst of you, and I will dance in glee.

May or April.
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Today, we ended.

I should be happy, I have finally, totally snapped out of the delusion, but, I should be sad, I should cry, but for some reason my eyes are dry. I should be angry, I should want to rage, God, I want to scream.

I miss Glory more than ever.

Now, I feel like when Femi left, when Emmanuel left, when Wasiu left. I am twenty, and still feel like that fourteen years old girl, crying in the library. I feel like I haven't grown, and it's been years, but here I am, breaking on the floor, knowing I will have to fix myself.

I am tired, and sick, literally and figuratively. I am tired of being the girl everyone leaves behind, the girl that wanders in and out of people's life, I am tired.

I am tired of not being enough, tired of being a series of bad decision, tired of crying, tired of this heart that feels everything, I am so tired of this knot in my throat that never unwinds.

I want to be different, but I can't, because I will always have this heart that's cursed to feel everything. Glory won't come back, and I don't think I want this version of her to. I want my bestfriend, the one I walked in the rain with, the one I had mindless strolls with, the one that loved me, the one I loved.

I need to un-fuck my life. It hurts so badly, It hurts so much that I can't breathe, and it's not just him, but her too, all of them. I don't want to be a carrier for the people I have loved and lost, I want to be free, I want to let them go, I don't want to hold on to them over and over.

Today, we ended, and I am sad, but I can't help but wonder, perhaps it's time I begin.

July, 5th, 2023. 8:15am
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How do one get over an heartbreak, how do one get over the heartbreak, when it's totally different.
I broke my heart, by settling less.

Same day.
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I was about to write something along the lines of --- abandonment issues, people I have loved and lost, all those things, but I got a glipmse of the previous work, and I am so sad, like I am such a sad person to write this sadly.
So, tonight, I will rest, no sad writings.

July, 7th. 4;32am.

A/N
Don't look at me, I said it was raw. These words were written in blood and tears, I bled the ink.