𝐑𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫 𝐌𝐞

𝟎𝟒| 𝐘𝐎𝐔

𝐒𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐛𝐞 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫- 𝐀𝐢𝐬𝐚𝐭𝐬𝐚𝐧𝐚 [𝟏𝟎𝟐] 𝐛𝐲 𝐀𝐩𝐡𝐞𝐱 𝐓𝐰𝐢𝐧

•𝐄𝐝𝐞𝐧-𝐈𝐯𝐞𝐫•

It got better for a while, between my parents. They stopped arguing as much, screaming at one another. Or it was more like, my mom finally was able to train my dad into taking whatever insult she threw his way. He learned to stay silent and be at fault for whatever the problem was. Despite this, I don't feel bad for him. Those two have messed my brain up in some unspeakable ways. They both deserve whatever comes to them.

Upon returning home from Lady's house, I wish I could've said I was surprised to hear the screaming coming from their bedroom window, but this has been coming for a few weeks. So it didn't take me by surprise at all.

What did surprise me was how cold my room was, how empty it felt. Like despite me being gone for a few days, how it felt like it had been abandoned for years. Funny how I originally left to try and get away from the unusual warmth but now I miss it more that ever. I want for it to come back and care for me while my parents are too busy freaking out on each other to think about how they affect me.

Not feeling comfortable any longer in my room I head to where I used to find comfort in this house. I sit on the stairs, listening to my parents argue through the vents. Or more so, listening to my mom argue with herself. Whenever I question how I got so fucked up, I don't have to look far for the answer. Why is it that this spot brings me so much comfort despite aiding me in clearly hearing their yelling?

I think it may give me peace of mind to know exactly what they're talking about, and if I need to lock myself in my room. Before I know it, I'm crying. Crying out of sadness, anger, everything above. It's the kind of crying that physically hurts, that gives you a headache and turns your throat raw. It makes you dizzy, sleepy, and tormented. But steadily, the crying starts to stop, as my emotions begin to fade away. I become frustrated with it. I want to cry, I want to be sad and angry and happy. Not for any sort of attention, but for the fact my emotions and feelings have been stripped from me from the moment I was born. Everything has been taken. This is all I have. The sadness that aches my chest is all I have. My parents have seemed to take that away too. I don't even get the pleasure of being a human with feelings anymore. The moment they come, they go. And I'm just an empty void. Who's gonna want me if I can't even love them? I don't know how, I don't have the capability.

Why must my thoughts always go towards love? Go towards having someone to call mine? Is it a fear that I'll never get it? It is a fear that my parents have hardwired me to not love and now it's all I can obsess over? I am consumed in my obsession. It's all I think about, all I ever want. Yet, the moment someone expresses romantic feelings in me, I become cold and closed off. Nausea rises in my throat at the thought of returning said feelings. But this longing for another to hold me is overbearing. There's been moments I've considered taking my own life at the thought that I'll always be alone.