On My Mind

Work Crushes/ Making Friend

So there's this guy I like at work. But I'm extremely shy, so I never talk to him, and when he tries to start convos with me, I clam up. I answer, but I always forget to return questions. Leaving me looking like an asshole and him probably feeling like an idiot.

When I say extremely shy I mean the type of shy that can sometimes be mistaken with rudeness because I rarely greet other people and if they catch me in an off moment and try to talk to me I can become thoughtless and just seem cold and like I'm ignoring them. I try my best to combat that with lots of nodding to replace words, but it's never really enough for people to want to be my friend.

I'm good with friends who just start talking no matter who or where you are or what you're doing. And they just talk, and I can insert little quips every now and then. Because those types of people take the pressure off of not be talkative. And they never really care for small talk. Something I don't care for. It's boring and unoriginal. I don't want a robotic greeting and an expected answer. I want to be challenged mentally. Say something outta pocket that sparks a conversation. That's the type of people I'm friends with. And I say this knowing I am not that person even though I wish I was. I always have those types of conversations with other people in my head, and I never execute them.

Anyways, this has strayed so far from the guy I like at work. Or maybe it didn't. I need someone with more vivacity. Not crazy but willing to shake things up.

I know nothing about him except his first name, the first three letters of his last name, and what he looks like. But I have recently been wondering things about him. Something I generally didn't do with other crushes. With other guys, I would just wonder what kind of relationship we would have. I would fixate on delusions. But I've been doing a great job at not doing that with real-life people.

I gave myself a rule that if I was gonna imagine a fanfiction esque moment between myself and someone else that someone else can't be a person I know in real life and can only be a person I'd never have a chance of meeting like Shawn Mendes or Colby Brock. To name a few.

But yeah, I've been wondering if he has siblings, what his music taste is like, his favorite color. Okay, there are others, but I forgot them because of the pressure.

Any advice? Any thoughts? How can I fix my brain so my mind doesn't go blank anytime someone talks to me or I try to talk to someone?