It's 4am and I can't sleep. I've been pretty good with going to bed before 2am for the past couple of months, but I've been going through some stressful things lately. Some inner turmoil. I've been taking care of myself as best I can. I mean, I've been brushing my teeth and bathing a bit more regularly than I used to. Which I'm so proud of myself for doing. It's just that when I'm taking care of myself, I feel a little bit better.
But sometimes the bad feels comfortable, and I'd rather stay in what's comfortable. Although I still hate feeling like my world is ending and it doesn't matter. Because I know it does. It does to me. That's why I care about it so much. Why I cry about it. That's caring. Whether it drags me down or not, I still care. I'm trying to care while not dragging myself down to the depths of hell. Which is hard when I'm so critical of myself. About everything.
But I've come a long way with that as well. I've enlisted positive self-talk/ gentle parenting to myself when needed. Sometimes, I have to think manually about doing it, and sometimes, I just automatically do it.
The other day I was sobbing in the middle of the day and I was choking on mucus I just had felt like I was suffocating with so many stressful things around me that I just had to let it out outside of my brain. It wasn't pretty, and sometimes I don't have the answers. It took me a while to calm myself down because I had valid questions I couldn't answer because of a lack of experience/wisdom, but I usually learn the things I need when I need to. That's what calmed me down. Things generally work out for me in the sense that I'm still alive and haven't died yet.
It's usually just fear that takes me over, and I'm in fight or flight almost constantly, but no matter how scared I am, nobody has ripped my head off. I'm usually chill and don't make enemies, so nobody has a valid reason to talk badly about me. And even if they thought so, I know my intentions, and that's all that matters. And if someone had a problem with me, they'd say something to me. Because if they had a problem me they'd come to me about it. If they go to other people about it, they just like the attention they get from having a problem with me.
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On My Mind
RandomI just wanna write what's On My Mind and hopefully, you relate, or maybe you have advice for me. Which I'd really appreciate. As another fellow human, I just wanna say I love and support you for who you are. Whatever you're going through, however t...
