A Long Road to Redemption

Chapter 37

Sidney believed that, in some ways, early lockdown was as bad as solitary confinement. Indeed, it was better than being locked up 23 hours a day, and it allowed her time to continue working her job. However, when their jobs ended, Sidney and Jillian were locked in their shared cell for an additional five hours a day. What made it worse was that they could see the other inmates milling outside their cells but could not interact with them. Occasionally, one of the other inmates would venture over and initiate a conversation, but it usually didn't last very long.

"This reminds me of the county jail," said Jillian a few nights into their confinement. "They made us stay in our cells most of the day. Only difference was I had three other girls in there with me."

"Why was that?" Sidney asked while playing a game of solitaire. She thought sarcastically to herself it was a fitting game to play in her situation. She was more or less over being mad at Jillian. She couldn't be mad at her for too long, considering all Jillian had done for her. It reminded Sidney of a spat with her best friend in high school. She didn't remember what the spat was about now, but it had been silly, and she did not stay mad at her for more than a week. Prison is not high school, and the friend had not written her back after she sent a letter about a week after arriving in prison.

Jillian walked to the back of the cell and stood near the combination toilet and sink. "It's mostly because of the lack of staffing. I guess no one grows up wanting to work in a jail," she said as she ran her hands through her hair. "This is not what I pictured doing when I was growing up either," she said in a hushed voice.

"What did you grow up wanting to do," Sidney asked her. She avoided discussions like this with people on the inside, but she let her guard down this time. It's hard to know who and just how much to trust someone on the inside. Luke Brady warned her about telling too much or asking too many questions. Hopefully, Jillian was a true friend, but you can never be too certain. Even if she is, it only takes one slip up to the wrong person, and there could be trouble. Tonight, though it, seemed a good time for this conversation.

"I wanted to be a singer in a country band. Silly, isn't it?" Jillian said as a small smile came to her face. "You know, I don't even like country music that much. It just seemed like a lot of fun to sing about love and romance and having fun down home and all."

"Would you wear a cowboy hat?" Sidney asked her.

"You better believe I would. I love the look, but the music is not my thing," Jillian said as she began to pace back to the closed cell door. Jillian did not talk much about her life outside. She let on a few secrets occasionally, but she mostly stayed focused on things on the inside. "I used to sing in my church's youth choir. I even did a couple of solos. People said I was good, but you know most of those people are pulling for you. It's not like singing for people who don't know you and aren't afraid to tell you if you're terrible."

"I bet you were a good singer. Why don't you ever sing around here?"

"I don't know Sidney. Guess I'm afraid to find out if I really can sing. What about you?"

"Me? No, I can't carry a tune in a bucket. I only sang in the youth choir because they needed me to. I think they turned off the microphone in front of me when we performed."

Jillian laughed, "No, they didn't stop lying."

"I'm serious," Sidney laughed. "My youth minister was too nice to tell me I was bad, but I could tell by the look on his face when we performed." That made Jillian laugh again. "Why are you laughing at me?" she said, giggling.

"I just caught a mental picture of you singing into a dead microphone with some guy looking at you with a scrunched-up face." Jillian couldn't help it; now she was fully laughing. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." She finally made herself stop. "I've said I'm sorry to you a lot these last few days, haven't I?"

"Jillian, it's okay."

"No, it's not," Jillian replied as she sat down on her bunk. "I messed things up again. I've messed up a lot over the last several years. I thought I was so smart back then. "

"Jillian, you don't have to tell me this."

"Yes, I do," she said. "I just want you to understand who I am. She motioned for Sidney to come down and sit by her on her bunk. "I worked at a bank for about five years after college. I got promoted and learned the ins and outs of the job. I thought I could skim money off the top and fix it in the computers. I thought things were going well, but one morning as I was walking out my front door there were cops there waiting for me." She drew up in a ball and leaned against Sidney's side. Sidney put her arm around Jillian's shoulders in response.

"Honestly, I don't even know why I did it. I didn't think anyone would catch on because it was in such small amounts. I got greedy and threw away a promising career, lost my fiancée, my home, everything I'd ever worked for just gone." A small tear ran down her cheek, which she quickly wiped away. "Look at me now. Locked up, crying away for doing something so stupid." She laughed to herself again. "I didn't cry one time in the county jail, not once. This is one of the few times I've cried since I got here. Just so stupid."

"That's not the Jillian I know," Sidney told her. "Everyone here has done something stupid to land themselves here. I mean, look at me. I stayed with a guy who made secret videos of us while we were, well, you know."

"He did that to you?" Jillian asked.

"Yeah, he did. I found the videos of us and several other women, too," she responded, "and I still thought we could work things out. I kept asking myself what I could have done differently so he wouldn't have cheated on me. What did I do wrong?" She stopped and composed herself, seeing Jillian had stopped crying. "Then I realized there was nothing I could have done. That was how he was, and I couldn't change him. I could have done more on that night; I shouldn't have even gone to his boat. but I did, and now here I am." She took a deep breath and slowly exhaled it. "I guess we all make stupid mistakes, some worse than others."

"Yes, we do, don't we?" Jillian said. "One last time then. I'm sorry it will never happen again I swear."

"We're fine girl. You're one of my last friends in the world, so you're stuck with me," Sidney said.

"Yeah, for a long time to come," Jillian said with a smile returning to her face. Sidney smiled back, and they continued to talk into the night.