Bitter & Sweet

8. Catch Me If You Can

I am at my first therapy session in two years, nervously bouncing my leg up and down.
Eliza, my old therapist — hands me a notebook and pencil, signaling for me to write down what I'm feeling.
I take the pencil from her and write, fucked.

Eliza frowns, staring at the piece of paper in front of her. "And what does that phrase mean to you?" She folds her hands together on the table, piercing her eyes through mine.

My heart is in my throat, I swallow before speaking.
"It means... that my mom recently got back with my abusive stepdad, that my grades are shit, my mental health and physical health are shit, and this guy whom I've become friends with, is getting beatings from his dad."

Except I didn't actually say that. Instead I simply said, "it means that everything in my life
is going to shit."

On my walk home, I still feel the heaviness in my chest. It wasn't Eliza's fault she wasn't able to help, or even make me feel better.
Every time she pushed me a little to open up and explain what was really going on, I shut down.

As I am five minutes away from my house, I get a text from Hazel — explaining that everyone will meet at Carl's place on Friday night at 6pm. And then some add ons about who's getting groceries and who's driving, etc.

I send the text message to Teo and add Carl's address.

About an hour later, I am sitting at the dinner table with my mom and Anthony.
Underneath the table I am constantly checking my phone to see if Teo has responded, feeling anxious and exited at the same time.
"Honey, put your phone away, we're eating."
I roll my eyes and put my phone on the table, the back of it facing me.

Anthony watches me roll my eyes and says, "why do you always have to give us attitude? Your mother and I have provided you this meal and when we ask you one simple thing, you just act like an ungrateful, little shit—"

"And why do you always have to stick your nose into other people's business?!" I exclaim.
And before I could comprehend that something in Anthony snaps, he slams his hand across the table, hitting my plate and glass that smash onto the hardwood floor.
"Who the fuck are you talking to like that?!" He yells, his face now hardly two inches away from mine. "Watch you fucking mouth!"
My mom watches in horror, not daring to stand up for me.

It takes everything in me to not seem intimidated by him. My face doesn't give it away, but my heart is racing.
I've never been able to keep it cool when people would yell at me.

I don't say a word and leave the dining room, going upstairs to my room in a hurry and start packing my stuff.
My heart is pounding with rage as I move around my room, throwing things in my suitcase.
Stupid fuck. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!
We're not leaving for the lake house until tomorrow night, but I simply cannot stand being in this house a minute longer, so I decide to stay at Carl's until then.

Once my suitcase is packed, I carry it downstairs with me — not caring about the fact that I'm still grounded.

I head straight to the front door after putting on my sneakers.
"Where the hell do you think you're going?" Anthony asks in a confused tone, keeping his eyes fixated on the tv.
My mom has fallen asleep with an empty wineglass still in hand.
"Carl's," I say, simply.
"If I were you, I wouldn't step one foot out of this house, do you hear me?"
"I hear you." I quickly open the front door and slam it shut.

With my suitcase in hand I start running to the bus stop once I hear the front door open behind me with a yelling Anthony Hill.