Let Love In

10

Frank wakes up in the middle of the night again.

Another nightmare.

Another panic attack.

He's exhausted. This is never going to end. And the more he thinks about it, the more worried he gets about everything. How is he supposed to have a normal life? How is he supposed to keep going? It's impossible.

Not when he has no idea what's happening to him.

The more time he spends with Gerard, the more feelings he has for him.

So many feelings, and they're all so new to Frank, who has no idea what they even are, or what to do with them. But he's definitely falling in love.

And that scares him.

He's afraid of falling completely in love, to the point he loses himself. Especially when Frank doesn't even know who he is. He just knows he's happy with Gerard. He loves hanging out with him and Bandit.

And he knows that, technically, they just met, but when he's with Gerard, something clicks. Almost like he belongs there. Everything's fine and it all makes sense.

But he's not sure his heart is ready.

He's afraid of breaking in case things don't work out. That one day, he can no longer pick up the pieces and get up again. Because by now, Frank is tired of being alone, but he's also afraid of being too vulnerable to be with someone. And ruining things for Gerard and Bandit.

Frank is too broken.

He can't make them go through this. Because being around Frank is hard. It means all-nighters, panic attacks and hospital stays. It involves putting up with mood swings, or Frank being numb, showing no feelings. That's what ended his relationship with his ex-fiancée. That's what made things hard with Bob. He still has no idea how Bob and his mom put up with him.

And he knows that this is the only way it can end with Gerard.

And Gerard doesn't deserve that.

Frank has no idea what he did to be with someone like Gerard. So perfect. He has no clue how they got so close. And maybe loneliness pulled Frank closer to him.

Who knows.

But now it's too late.

And deep inside, he knows that he can't do that to Gerard.

Frank can't deal with his feelings, or the thoughts tormenting him. It's a lot to Frank, and he needs to clear his head.

So, he gets up from bed and some sweatpants puts on. 'Stay here, okay?' he tells Lois as he walks out of his room. 'I'm gonna go get something.' As he walks to the front door, the dog follows him, as if she knows what his intentions are and she's trying to stop him. 'You can't go, baby girl. You need to stay here and take care of Mom.' As he says this, tears run down his face and a lump forms down his throat.

So, he opens the door to leave, and Lois follows him again. 'Fine. You can come with me.'

It's almost two am, and Frank is walking the streets of Belleville wearing PJs, basically, and his loyal dog walking behind him. There's a dive bar a couple blocks away, and it's empty except for the bartender, who knows Frank. 'What are you doing here?' he asks.

'I couldn't sleep,' Frank replies.

'Same as usual?'

Frank nods, and a second later, there's a glass of whiskey in front of him, the same one he chugs right away. Then another, and another.