Fall

Chapter 83: The Dinner Party

Elena went back to the lake house with Stefan. I think she's trying to patch things up with Stefan, especially considering we don't know how much time we have left. I think he's taking this trip to convince her to stay alive. 

There's a kiss pressed against my cheek and I startle, Elijah suddenly in front of me, in front of my desk. "What are you writing?" He asks, and I look down at my ink stained fingers and the pages and pages that have my writing sprawled across them. 

"Letters." I answer simply, eyeing the to go cup in his hand and the baggie in the other. He leans down slightly as I try to assess the contents. "For when I'm gone."

He sets the the baggie and cup down on the spare spot on my desk. "You're..." he seems at a loss for a moment. "You're writing one for me?" 

My eyes widen at his words and I look back down at the letter, at the offending 'L' word scattered all over it. I flip it over as quickly as I can. "Of course I'm writing one for you." I fold it as quickly and carefully as I can, shoving it into my desk drawer. But with my luck, and his vampire speed, he's probably already read the three paragraphs of devotions to him. "What did you bring?"

"I did not realize that I, that we..." he definitely read the letter already, definitely saw the word that stains the page, the word I haven't been able to bring myself to say yet. 

Does he think it's too soon? Is he still talking? There's a roaring in my ears and I can't hear anything over it, over the pounding of my own heart. What words are his mouth forming? "Kara-"

"I adore you." I shoot up, now realizing he had been in the middle of saying something. But I feel like I had to cover up the damning words he already saw with something. Adore seems to work well for that purpose. 

Elijah blinks slowly, concern in his warm chocolate eyes. "Are you alright?" 

"What's in the bag?" I pivot, wanting desperately to rewind and get away from this feeling. From the words Stefan had said, ringing in my head, but but but. Always someone else. Always something else. I don't know if I could take that again. 

He moves around to stand next to me by the desk, hip leaning against the wood as his hand spreads out across the surface. "Kara. What's wrong?" I almost pivot again, briefly entertain the idea of seduction to get him to stop asking me. But he looks at me so softly, with such concern, and it breaks through the pounding words but but but in my head.

"The first guy I ever said...said 'I love you' to, he broke my heart. Said he was feeling the same and in the next sentence left me for someone else." It feels stupid when I explain it. So fucking stupid, poor insecure little Kara can't handle rejection. I surge forward, feeling like I have to justify myself, almost knocking the chair to the ground when I stand. "But you don't understand. Elena, she's always gotten everything. Everything. All the attention, the love, they all went to her recitals and performances instead of mine." The words are pouring out of myself and I want to clamp my hand over my mouth to get myself to stop. 

"Kara-"

"I mean, I was in the hospital and my mom barely visited me so she could go back home for Elena. My da-" I hiccup a growing sob and shove it down in my chest, swallow it, swallow my tears. "My own dad wanted nothing to do with me and preferred her over me. So then Stefan, of course when I tell him I love him he goes to Elena instead and I'm just stuck here begging for scraps for people and they always go to her. And I'm such a terrible sister for feeling this way, but I-" A hand grabs mine and pulls me into his chest, rubbing my back and the back of my head soothingly. 

He hums something, something old no doubt, a beat I don't recognize. "I see. I don't prefer Elena to you, ástin mín. And I'm certainly not going to leave you for her. Now would you," he sighs, pulling away from me and pinching the bridge of his nose. "Would you mind it if I were to go to these people who have made you feel so small and make them see the errors of their ways?"