If I Knew Then

Chapter 10: Unexpected Goodbyes with the Princess

Jaxson had barely stepped into my room when I shot up in bed and words spilled from my lips. By the time he sat down on the edge of my bed, I was half-way through telling him about my night at that fair. As I had expected, he loved the unicorn, and I could tell that he was proud to play part in Amelia and I's new thing. And then, what I was most eager to share, I told him about my plans.

     "I'm not really sure how to go about everything," I admitted. "But I want to implement some kind of mandatory courses in school, and not just high school, elementary and college too. I think even adult night classes could be beneficial, and they could attend under the pretence of getting information for someone they know." I hadn't been able to admit that I needed help and I suspected that a lot of people might find themselves in the same boat.

      Jaxson smiled encouragingly. "Go on," he chuckled. "I can tell you've got more to say. Hit me with all your ideas and I'll be happy to help in any way I can."

      "These need to be actual mental health courses, not a brief here's the number you should call if you feel like harming yourself. Don't be afraid to reach out. We need more. We need explanations of disorders. We need detailed summaries of accessible resources and treatment plans. We need testimonies. We need facts and statistics to overcome the stigma around suicide and self-harm." I couldn't stop myself, every idea that had ever crossed my mind trickled out. "I was also thinking of ways we can get more people involved. I heard the youth center here is always looking for new activities to introduce. It probably won't sound like the most appealing way to spend time, but even if it's just a brief activity every now and then. We could gear activities towards developing coping skills. Kids need to be taught how to handle difficult emotions.

      "I read about different therapy options too. Some verified sites offer online therapy for people who don't feel comfortable or don't have the means to go in person. But it's expensive and it's not widespread or funded enough to support the number of therapists needed. I think a lot of people would be more prone to seek out help if they could send an anonymous text or email first. They could work their way to meeting in person or facetime. I'd want to recommend adding group chats too. Of course, it would have to be monitored, but I think it could help in the sense of knowing we're not alone in the way we feel."

      For a long time, I hated myself for my struggles. I thought myself weak for finding myself in such overwhelming episodes of sadness or apathy, and not knowing how to deal with those strong emotions. But I was beginning to see things differently. As if to help me focus on my task, I had yet to face one of my dark moments. It was easier to see clearly, to enjoy the simple things that I usually couldn't. And when I thought about the fact that Amelia struggled with many of the same feelings, I knew I wasn't weak. Because there wouldn't be a second in my days on earth that I would associate the word weak with Amelia Taylor.

      "I don't know how, but we need more money to make therapy accessibly. Because therapy is as important as physical health care. We could look into getting some kind of government funding. Or I'm sure I could convince the gang to help organise fundraisers."

      Jaxson blinked, silent as if waiting for more. Was that not enough? Did he expect more? I was still brainstorming...

      "That's it for now," I laughed nervously.

     Finally, he cracked a genuine smile. "That's wonderful, Addie. I'm looking forward to helping you. And my mom's a psychologist, I'm sure she'd love to help, if you contacted her. She could probably write proposals for government funding."

      I grinned, excitement comparable to Jaxson's usual level. An excitement that he uncharacteristically lacked that day. I gave him a studious glance over. His eyes were crinkled in their corners as though to portray joy, but I didn't miss the slouch of his shoulders and darkness to the swell of skin beneath his eyes. My guardian angel was exhausted. If sleep was something he needed, he hadn't been getting any.