If I Knew Then

Chapter 18: Time to Face the Spotlight

My insides churned. Every bump Maria hit, van rattling viciously, lurched my breakfast higher up into my throat.

      I don't know what made me think that any part of this was a good idea. Maybe I figured the embarrassment wouldn't matter since I'd be dead again soon. But hurling on the front row of people at the poetry slam would haunt me forever.

     I couldn't decide what I was more nervous about: presenting my brewing idea for the community mental health program or reading my poem that was both confusing and enlightening.

     As perceptive as always, Amelia tried to calm me, tender fingers squeezing my thigh.

     "Your fear is totally valid," she started. Valid, but she didn't feel a sliver of it. Always so cool and collected. "But nobody's going to judge you. And Maria wouldn't have approved your poem if there was any chance it could embarrass you in any way."

      I huffed a small breath of disbelief. I'm sure they all underestimated the number of things that could embarrass me. I hadn't read the poem since first writing it. Trying to understand it was a headache.

     Maria chimed her agreement, from the front seat. "You're going to do great, Addie," she told me. "I've never been this excited for a slam."

      She was in fact restless in her seat, bright eyes looking at us through the front mirror.

     "Addie's poem is that good, eh?" Avi whistled.

     I snorted. "Definitely not."

     They ignored me.

     "I'm definitely a fan." Maria smiled. "But there's a surprise on top of hers that I think will really please you."

      Avi's brows flickered with curiosity. I missed his next expression because Mia's hand suddenly left my thigh. She turned away from me, looking out the window as something seemingly caught her attention.

      The park was abnormally packed. I hadn't seen that many people show up to any of the previous slams. Why the sudden increased interest? Was the universe trying to punish me?

      "I pushed a little harder," Maria answered my silent questions. "Reached out to a few more people. I wanted as many people to hear about your ideas as possible."

      I was both grateful and stressed. More people to witness my humiliation. Still, I smiled at her because the program was important to me. And the importance they placed into helping me warmed my heart.

     They stood behind me as I shook and presented the upcoming fundraisers, and the petitions and proposals they could sign behind the stage. I was honest about still being in the early stages. We were just kids trying to make a difference. There were a lot of things that we had yet to take into consideration. Things we didn't even know needed to be considered. I hit them with statistics and testimonials. I saw genuine interest, but there was no urgency like I felt.

     It was sad to say, that tragedy would have to hit before people really listened. We have the tendency to not act until a disaster actually strikes. In some way, I couldn't help but feel like I would be that trigger. I knew my friends would take over my ideas and pore their hearts and souls into creating something I'd be proud of. That was just the type of people they were.

    The girl whose arm brushed mine as we hobbled down the stage steps, worried me most. I didn't even want to fathom what kind of reaction she would have... I couldn't help but predict resentment. Hatred.

     "You did great up there." She bumped my shoulder and smiled. "Poem should be a breeze now."

      Not a single part of me was reassured by her words. For the first time, standing so close to Amelia brought me discomfort. Thinking of presenting my poem, my vulnerable thoughts, instilled a fear. A deep uneasiness. I realised that it had nothing to do with the crowd of ears listening. And everything to do with Amelia. She was the one I had trusted with some of my deepest secrets. But this. The way she might interpret my words burned my insides. I swallowed hard and wiped the bead of sweat trailing down my forehead.