If I Knew Then

Chapter 19: The Truth Slaps Me in the Face

The few extra centimeters Amelia kept between us were palpable. Anymore distance and she'd be walking on the road. I was still spiralling. Terrified that I had done something to make her angry. I was desperate to fix things.

      "The stars are really pretty tonight," was my pathetic attempt of reconciliation.

      Amelia fully looked at me then, brows furrowed as if to say, really? You're really going to ignore the elephant in the room?

     I released a shaky breath, unsure how to proceed, certain that I would only further mess everything up. But then the faintest chuckle parted her lips, and she was shaking her head up at the sky. I couldn't decide if she was in fact assessing the stars like I had or pleading silently to the Universe for a rescue.

      She laughed again before pinching her chin between her thumb and index finger in an exaggerated expression of pondering. "I don't know if I'll manage to draw a unicorn on that one." She was still looking up as if considering her options.

     "We could snap a picture and then draw on it," I suggested.

      She crinkled her nose. "If you want to go the boring route, I guess. I was thinking more like renting an aircraft and practicing our skywriting."

      I snorted. "Of course. I forgot that Amelia Taylor doesn't do anything half-way."

      "That I don't." She laughed sheepishly. "Even when I should..."

      Something in her tone made me think she meant the poem and again I didn't know what to make of that. My lips parted to speak words that I had yet to plan, but the scuffling between Nao and Avi, in front of us, reminded me that we weren't alone. Wordlessly, we agreed to file that conversation for later. We jumped into the group conversation with only a sliver of our earlier awkwardness dissipated.

     The more we walked, the more our usual ease returned. Of course, the moment I managed to find even ground, it was ripped from beneath my feet.

      An old bridge seemed to mark the turnaround point of our walk. Everyone stopped to lean of different spots of the rusty railing. Nao and Léa were failing to skip rocks at an impossible angle. Maria and Avi were debating what animal had been spooked by Nao's first tossed rock. And as always, I was lingering next to Amelia. She was staring down at the ridge below the bridge, where empty beer cans were scattered, and a pile of ash flickered with a last flame: someone's chosen hangout spot.

      "My grandparents had their first kiss here," Amelia told me.

     My brow flickered faintly, but I leaned forward some more to show my interest in her words.

     "My grandpa ran away from school when he was seventeen," she started again. "He had nowhere to go, and he wanted to finish school, so he slept here. No one used to go down there... My grandma's family was really strict. One night she came down here to get away from everything; to get wasted without judgement. That's how they first met. My grandma with a six pack in hand and my grandpa half asleep in his statistics book.

      My grandpa was a stubborn man, refused any of the help she offered. Still, grandma came at least every other day. Sometimes with food and water. Sometimes just to vent. 2 months later, they graduated and moved in together. No care for their families' opinions. No care for trust funds and lined up jobs... I've always idolized their relationship. Most days I wish I could be as brave as they were."

      The words relationship and brave returned some of the tension in my chest. It looked like this was going to be a speechless kind of night. My thoughts were moving too fast to pick a coherent sentence out of the zooming mess.