Locked in chains

Chapter 21

It's now 2 am and I can't sleep. I keep tossing and turning in bed, but nothing seems to work. I even counted sheep in my head, to see if it was real or a myth, but I confirmed it was only a myth. I turn over again and hear Cole mumbling something next to me. What's his problem? It's not him who's having trouble sleeping, that's for sure.

"Damn it, Leila, stop moving," he says, half asleep.

I stopped moving and tried to stay as still as possible but I couldn't.

"Leila," he grumbles.

"I'm sorry, I can't sleep" I reply.

He swears under his breath before taking me in his arms and pulling me closer to him. He holds me tight, and I can feel his chest touching my back while his hands are holding my waist. Our proximity isn't so unpleasant after all, I relax under his grip and decide to place one of my hands on his. I move my fingers around in circles and press my legs against him. I love how protective he is with me, I can't get enough. Suddenly, I feel a bump on my butt and realize what's happening.

"Cole?" I say.

"Mmh?" he says, with his eyes still closed.

He moves closer to me as if that's even possible, and starts kissing my neck, to make his way up to my earlobe sensually biting it. Feeling him so close. Feeling his desire for me. I think I'm just not ready for anything, any further touching anyway. What I feel is desire, but also fear. I try to stay focused on Cole and push away the images of David that keep resurfacing. I want Cole, I only want him, but something is holding me back. 

"Leila?" he says, seeing that I'm not responding to his advances.

I turn to face him and look into his black eyes. The temptation to take him in my arms and kiss him is unbearable, but I hold back, I still haven't processed what they did to me, and I think that's why I also have difficulties letting myself go completely. The last time we kissed, it felt like I needed it. That I couldn't live if he didn't kiss me. It was about forgetfulness. 

I placed my hands on his chest, creating some distance between our bodies. 

"I'm afraid I'll never be able to trust you again, and despite trying to move past what happened," I say in a whisper.

He immediately puts one of his palms on my cheek, and with his other hand, he tucks a lock of my hair behind my ear. He looks at me attentively, holding my gaze and without breaking the space between us, he says "I won't force you to forgive us and I definitely won't force you for sex Leila. I know you must have resentment and anger towards all of us, but know that I'll never let you down again, and I'll always be by your side from now on."

"Don't promise things you can't keep."

"Leila."

"No, Cole. You're good with words, but once morning comes and things get complicated, you don't do anything. I'm always the last one to know what's going on, and most of the time, I pay the price."

I would like to forgive them and rebuild my life, but it will take some time. They must understand that actions and lies do not disappear so easily. They will have to show me that I can trust them again and maybe then, our lives can return to normal. Our normal anyway. He hasn't moved his hand from my cheek, his gaze still fixes me, he leans in and kisses my forehead.

"I will never make these mistakes again."

I let my head fall on his chest and close my eyes, gripping his sweater with my hands. I want to believe him so badly, but who's to say it's not just empty words again? I take a deep breath and decide that tonight I don't want to think about it anymore and that I want to forget for the evening.