Always Forever (me and you until the end) Part 2 Larry Stylinson

Chapter 33 Harry

Extra chapter today.
Dont kill me
Hope you like it
Likes and comments if you want to please.
Faith in the future.

I can't believe Louis went. I am heartbroken. It's only been 24 hours and already this house doesn't feel like home anymore. The warmth and sunshine gone when Louis walked out that door. I never thought we would ever be in this position. I thought our love was too strong. I have been doing a lot of thinking. In fact that is all I have done and I have been a fool. I brushed everything under the carpet instead of dealing with it. I took Louis for granted thinking he would always be here, and now he isn't and I am feeling the loss of his presence more than ever.

I rang Nikki as soon as I could this morning and we had a good chat. I understand that for some reason since Des' death I have not been acting myself. It's like I fail to see reality and have been so focused on myself and what I thought was right that I have missed everything that's been going on right under my nose. Louis wasn't wrong. I didn't think of how he was having to manage here on his own, more concerned about how I was affected. Nikki was nice about it, told me not to dwell on what cant be changed and instead write a list about what I can do and more importantly what I want. As if that was ever in doubt though. I am hurt that Louis could think my love for him had dwindled when he and Evan are the most important people in my life. I guess that is my fault though as I didn't show him enough, especially with my actions the last few weeks. I feel ashamed.

The only bonus thing is, it has given me a chance to reconnect with Evan and spend some time with him. I told him as Louis requested, that he had to go and sort out a wedding that the flowers had been messed up. He believed me, which is a good thing, as I would hate for him to worry. I know that Louis has been speaking to him over the phone though throughout the day.

I managed to have a chat with Evan about what's been happening with him and how he feels. When he told me about his bust up with Mason and what was said I felt like the biggest piece of shit on earth. No wonder Louis has had enough. It wasn't really about me and Brad, or me going out. It was about how my actions were affecting our boy. I just was too pig-headed to even listen and find out the facts before I got on the defensive. When Evan told me I felt like the air had been taken out my lungs. His little face broke me. I don't know how I stayed strong and did not burst into tears when he was telling me. This little innocent boy has to defend his old man and stick up for his family. He shouldn't have to do that. There should be no reason on this earth that he should ever have to doubt my love. I played into the media's hand. I knew there were pictures and yet I didn't care. Did not stop and think for one second how this would come back and affect my son. What kind of father am I? I spoke to Nikki about this and she had to keep telling me over and over that people are allowed to make mistakes. We just learn from them and move on and try our best. That's all we can do. And boy have I learnt. I want to be a good dad and partner to Louis. I want to prove to them that I can do this.

We spent the day, me and Evan having fun together. We went in the pool, went to the park for a kick about and it was so nice to see him laughing and smiling. The little simple things we can do can bring a whole lot of joy. I forgot for a moment, especially when I was on stage about this feeling and to be honest it doesn't even compare. If I can do this and just be a dad and see his face smile it's worth a million more than seeing thousands of strangers in the crowd smiling at me. Don't get me wrong, I really appreciate the fans but there is nothing that can compare when this little man is smiling up at me and showing me his love in the most simplest of ways. I don't have to be anything but dad to him and that's worth more than any amount of fame or money. The only thing missing of course was Louis. It should have been us three enjoying these moments together. I have tried to ring him and text him. Of course I have, but at the moment he is reluctant to talk to me. Told me to give him time. The thing is I don't want time or space and I am hugely aware of the time counting down until I have to get back on that plane, and that scares me. It scares me to think we may not sort this out before I go. I love him though, he knows that. I have sent him so many messages telling him and left countless voice notes and I know, that as hard as it is, I need to let him come back and talk in his own time. I understand he also needs to sort things out in his own head. A part of me though does want to just go over to him but I don't know what it is. I just can't seem to do it. I think deep down I am afraid of what he may do. If he slams the door in my face or I hear the words it's over. At least not going over I can live in this little bubble of hope and denial. God, my head is a mess. I don't know what the hell I am thinking or doing and that's the worst thing.