Always Forever (me and you until the end) Part 2 Larry Stylinson

Chapter 26 Harry

Harry is on tour and finds a new hobby

I can't believe we are into July already and things just continue. Time stops for no-one, spring turns to summer, summer will soon turn to autumn and life still goes on for everyone in the world no matter where you are. We are currently in Europe, in Poland to be precise and in a few weeks we are heading to America. I am looking forward to that though because it's school holidays and Evan and Louis will be joining me.

The shows have been a success, the fans have been amazing as always. No matter what country I am in I always get such a welcome. I speak to Evan and Louis most days. Although sometimes there are days that we have not been able to speak apart from a quick good morning. By the time I get off stage in the evening and get back to the hotel or airport, depending if we are having to leave straight away, I sometimes don't get chance to call cause I know it's too late and Louis will be asleep. Louis is understanding though, of course he is. He tells me though that Evan is playing up a bit and being a little shit at times. He has had to have a few visits to the school to speak to his teachers when he has been called in because Evan has been messing about or has got into an argument with one of his classmates. I know it's probably his age and him growing into this little character. I mean if he is anything like Louis, I bet he sure can have a bit of a cheeky side to him. I can't help but feel a bit guilty and think maybe it don't help me being away.

I have a therapy session today. Yes, I did take on board what Louis said and after a few more discussions with Louis I decided it can't hurt to give it a go. Liam managed to find a reputable therapist quickly. Due to me being on the road though a lot of our sessions have been over the phone or face to face over zoom. It is helping a little though. Small steps and all that. I can't say all my thoughts, anxieties and fears have completely disappeared but it's nice to have someone neutral to talk them out with and also find some coping strategies when things get tough for me. Its mainly though at night I struggle. My mind goes into overdrive with made up scenarios and thoughts. I know it's irrational but it's hard to stop them. Thoughts that I'm letting people down, that maybe Louis will be better off without all my shit and dragging him down. He is sunshine, he doesn't need this huge grey cloud over him. I am better though with dealing with what happened with Des and no longer feel weighed down with guilt. I know we were both equally to blame and at the end we had closure which is enough. My therapist has diagnosed me with slight depression and anxiety. Although I agree with it, it's laughable really when you think about it. I mean what the hell does Harry Styles have to be depressed about. Surely he has everything he could ever want. If only they knew. It's not good but sometimes i find myself opening the mini bar door in the room and having a night time tipple just to calm myself and relax. I do need to get out of that habit and find other ways to wear my body down which is why I have found myself exercising more.

I finished my session with my therapist. It went well and I am feeling good. I get up and find my gym wear. Which just consists of shorts and a t- shirt and my gym trainers. My therapist Nikki thinks exercise is a great distraction. Releases all the endorphins and all that shit. I have to say I am starting to agree though. It feels good to get on the treadmill, the music blasting through my ear pods or banging out my frustrations on a punching bag. Not only that, it is helping me keep in shape and Louis has not failed to notice the guns and abs developing when we speak on facetime. He can't keep his eyes off me, and does the whole licking his lip thing at me. It makes me feel good.

I mention to Liam how beneficial it's been for me, the only problem I have is sometimes it's not continuous. If the hotel doesn't have a gym, or they are too busy, or I am called for a sound check at the venue and we end up being there the whole day. After listening to my moaning though he went out and has sought out a personal trainer from London who may be able to join me on tour and keep me up with my fitness. I think Liam is worried that if I don't get this distraction I may get back into my own head again, more than normal. We will see how it plans out though. Liam assures me the gym in London is familiar with high class celebrities so I am just waiting for something to be sorted. Well not from my end, from Liam's.