And To Love In Return... (BOOK 2)

Late Night Cigarettes

I had one week left in Seoul. Since then, I've been 20 days clean. It's been rewarding but also excruciating. I've tried to hide just how badly the withdrawals have been because it's nothing but pain and agony. The only way for it to stop is if I relapse, but obviously I don't have that option right now. I don't necessarily want to do that, especially after all the work I've put in just to get to this point. But it's hard, it's really fucking hard.

"You got a week left and you're finally using your first smoke break, I'm shocked." Wooyoung said.

He was leaned against the hood of his car as I stood in front of him. It was around midnight so it was dark and quiet.

"I told Felix he should stay here in Korea." And that would be the reason for my heightened anxiety.

"How'd he take it?"

"Not how I expected." I meant that in the best way possible. I was expecting him to ask a hundred questions as to why I made that decision, but it wasn't like that at all. "He just said he understood, but that I need to text him every second of the day to make sure I'm okay." I smiled.

"And that's got you stressed?"

"I just don't wanna let him down." I sighed. "I don't wanna let anyone down."

"You know we're all really proud of you. What you've been doing isn't easy."

"I'm not gonna lie to you, I'll need more than just home therapy to fix this."

"You think you'll relapse?"

"Most likely." I admitted. "And I'm going to fucking hate myself when I do." I took a drag from my cigarette, exhaling the smoke into the air.

"I wish you had a little more faith in yourself." He said before doing the same. "You've worked really hard for this."

"But I'm me, there's no other way to put it."

"Define who 'you' are."

"I'm a weak, pathetic, selfish guy who doesn't know how to take care of himself because my parents never did. I'm a loser."

"I think it's so crazy how everyone sees you so differently compared to the way you see yourself." He dryly laughed. "To me, you're a naturally gifted, kind hearted person who struggles, but desperately wants to grow and learn from your mistakes. You're just afraid to let go of your past. You still secretly revolve your entire life around your parents and you haven't talked to them or even seen their faces in years." It always leads back to them somehow. But I can say that as time went on, their effect wasn't as strong. The only issue was that it lingered and I just became used to them being the problem. It's like letting an old habit die, it's almost impossible.

"Someone needs to kill them in prison so I can grow up." I laughed.

"We'll send Minho in there. He's the only one crazy enough to do it."

"I can't believe Jisung was right." I shook my head in disbelief.

Minho was in Japan. When Yunho told Felix, he had come over the apartment because he wanted to do it in person. He sat on the information for a few days because he had a problem of his own. There are pictures all over the internet of Mingi and Yunho kissing. We all wanted to be happy for them since they finally made it official after all these years, but I don't think the circumstances could've be any worse.

"He knew immediately. But why Japan?"

"Minho is fluent in Japanese so that's a start."

"Oh, I didn't know that."

"He's been taking Japanese since high school." I figured that was common knowledge. Minho can speak Korean, Japanese, and English. He always felt it was necessary to retain things like that. "I also know Jisung and Minho wanted to go one day and see all the landmarks."