And To Love In Return... (BOOK 2)

Losing The Battle

I hate this.

It's been a week since Taemin told me about the secret stash he smuggled into rehab and I can't get it out of my head. The reason I haven't gone near the stuff is because I haven't had any access. I don't know any dealers and I live with three people who are up my ass about it frequently.

What if it's a trick?

No, I don't think so. Taemin seems like an asshole, he's way too genuine to be some sort of undercover spy or something. It's driving my paranoia out of control.

If I do it, I'll hate myself forever. I've been clean for three months. All that hard work would be a waste. But if I don't, I won't know for certain that I'm actually done with it. I tried to do the same thing with the partying and the drinking, but obviously that didn't work out too well for me. But it's not like something like that can happen this time so it won't kill me.

Fuck it.

"Hey." I've been working up the courage all day to talk to him.

"Hey." He smiled, shooing his friends away. "You need some help?" I nodded and rolled my eyes. "Come on." I followed him to his room which wasn't too far from mine. "I only had some with me in case I really needed it. It's come in handy a few times. You just need something to keep you going sometimes, you know?" He pulled out his suitcase from under his bed and unzipped a hidden compartment. "I'll hook you up, don't worry. It can't leave this room, too much at risk." He walked over to the desk and shook a small amount of cocaine out. My heart was pounding out of my chest, screaming at myself that I'll regret this. "All yours." He pointed, proud of how even his lines were. I need to make this quick. I sat down and stared at it for a couple minutes. "Second thoughts?"

Instead of answering, I pressed my finger against my nostril and sucked up the substance with the other.

"Damn." My eyes began to water from the familiar burning sensation. "That's good shit."

Within five minutes, I felt the full effects. I finally stood up from the chair and couldn't wipe the sluggish smile off my face.

"Wow, you took that like a pro."

"Because I am one." I laughed. I felt my heart racing and started to sweat. This was all too familiar.

"So do you plan on making this a regular thing? You can if you want."

I shook my head, but then paused, trying to think if that's what I really wanted. "Only if I need it."

"You'll need it."

"How'd you get this in here anyway?"

"I'm a dealer."

"What?" I gasped, feeling excited that I officially know someone who could help me in the future if possible. "Then why are you in here?"

"Because this place is nice as hell and I believe that people should do what they want. Be honest, did you sign yourself in here?" I shook my head. "Exactly. Now I just did you a major favor. It's a service."

"It's actually sabotage."

"But you seem rather grateful, no?"

I shrugged with a knowing smile. I didn't think I actually missed it all that much until now. The rush, the inner chaos, the massive burst of energy. I feel on top of the world right now.

Taemin was kind enough to lead me back to my room so I got to enjoy this moment by myself. I was so excited, I started working out in my room. I needed to do something with my body, I just couldn't contain myself.

"Hyunjin!" I shouted, unable to control my laughter to the point where I had tears in my eyes. "Hyunjin, what did you do?"

An hour passed and I was finally coming down from my high. I seemingly forgot how much this part sucked. I had to crawl to the bathroom and threw up in the toilet.

Now I need to ask myself a very important question: do I tell Wooyoung that I need to get the hell out of here or do I secretly keep this up? Now that I was alone without anyone in my ear telling me what's right and wrong, this suddenly became much harder.

I started listing all the pros and cons. Cons: Wooyoung will have my head on a stake, Felix will be really disappointed. Pros: I like the way it makes me feel, I can be safe with it, it shouldn't be too hard to keep it away from them if I do this properly. They saw it coming at least once, right? How mad could they possibly be? And that's if they find out. I feel like they'll trust me more after my time here so I should be in the clear.

But is it really worth it? I feel like I'm losing my mind. What am I saying? Am I seriously trying to come up with ways to smuggle cocaine into Wooyoung's apartment? How low can I possibly go? I need to get it together.

"Hyunjin." One of the staff members knocked on my door. "You have a visitor."

"Coming."

Hopefully whoever it is gives me a wake up call, I know I'm being ridiculous.

"Hey." I couldn't believe it, it was Wooyoung.

Tell him, Hyunjin. You need to tell him.

"Hey." I smiled and gave him a tight hug.

"You okay? You don't look so good." He immediately took notice of my disheveled appearance.

"I was working out in my room and now I'm sweating." That wasn't a lie at least.

"Why not work out in the gym?"

"I don't like the people here." I mumbled.

"Right, Felix told me about that. That one guy still bugging you? I can probably have something done about that." He honestly could with the amount of money and power he has now. Wooyoung rarely pulled the celebrity card out, but I could tell he was debating it. But if he does, that means I don't get what I need.

"No." I shook my head. "We're okay now. Felix just told me to talk to him and pretend I was Seonghwa. Unsurprisingly, it worked. I just pretended to be super nice and now he leaves me alone."

"Good, I don't want anyone else messing with you in here. This is supposed to be a stress free environment."

"It is." I nodded.

"I'm proud of you, I know you know that."

"I know." I smiled, hearing it all the time.

"You're almost at the halfway point, you can do it."

"I'll be okay." I assured. "I'm not hating it like I thought I would."

"Good, that makes me feel better. I was afraid you'd be suffering."

"I'm surviving." I sighed with some relief.

"Once you get out, you'll be five months sober. Almost half a year." He seemed so proud of me. The guilt was eating me alive at that point.

"Crazy." I stared blankly at nothing, feeling awkward that it was no longer the case.

What have I done?