And To Love In Return... (BOOK 2)

Guardian Angel

"I need to see the psychic again." My voice was strained from lifting weights at the gym.

"No, you need to see a doctor." San said, watching me carefully so I don't overdo it. "Why would you need to see the psychic again? Don't you think she told you enough?"

"Obviously not."

San took the weights out of my hands and put them back on the rack. "Then I'll take you after this since Wooyoung already scheduled you an appointment tomorrow to see another doctor."

I sat on the bench, deep in thought. It was something that came to mind last night and I have yet to say it out loud. San is the only one who won't be blinded by emotion and actually make rational decisions based off logic. So if he thinks this is a good idea, I'll believe it is too.

"Okay." I nodded. "Can I run something by you real quick?"

"Sure."

"I think I should stay home for a year and push college off, then retake the semester because there's no way I'm going to pass, I was failing before I left. I want to graduate, I want this degree. But it's not going to happen if I stay in New York. It doesn't matter if Hongjoong and Seonghwa are there, they're too nice. They don't have the ability to stop me from being a rebellious little shit."

"Jungkook does, that's for sure. But don't you technically have a month left?" He's right. That's why I pushed him away just like Wooyoung as well. He's one of the few people that could actually get me through this.

"I don't think I'll pass." I mumbled.

"I think you have a good chance if you're determined. You should push through so then it'll be over and you can come home. I wouldn't chance it because then you'll be in New York for a whole extra year."

"True."

Yesterday scared the shit out of me; it scared everyone actually. There was way too much to unpack all at once. There's the positive things like how Wooyoung and San are definitely getting engaged soon. I've thought about that one a lot. If I don't get to see my best friend marry the love of his life, I'll never forgive myself.

"I get my results back today." That was another thing to worry about.

"Stop for a second." I got off the random machine San had me working on and handed me a water bottle. "Can I just share my thoughts on all this or do you not really care?" I find it ironic how San always assumed his opinions weren't valued by me just because he wasn't Wooyoung or Felix. The reason it's ironic is because I value his more than anyone's in this situation.

"Of course I care, what's up?"

"Well first, you've been home for over two weeks and I just want to tell you how proud I am. I know the withdrawals are excruciating, I'm also pretty positive you're going to fall back into it at least once when you get home, but that's a part of this and I understand that. But in these two weeks, you've been sober, you're looking healthier, your family loves you, Felix loves you, and we're all doing our best to help. That has to at least amount to something. But I'm still not convinced you want to get better and that scares me. Am I wrong?"

I was putting thought into what he was saying. I'm at war with myself. "I feel like yesterday kinda changed my perspective on things, but in two different directions. One part of me wants to live my life to the fullest before it happens. She didn't tell me how much time I have left, but who knows? It could be next week. So I'd want to get sober, graduate, get back into my art. Just fix everything I destroyed so I can die peacefully. But the other part of me is like 'why try'? There's no point if it's already too late. But that's why I want to go back. I need to know more."